I've been studying A Course In Miracles with a little more depth recently. I'm listening to and reading one of my favorite teachers of the course and holding more awareness of the lessons in my daily life. This is my third year studying the course and I can feel myself opening up to a new level of awareness and sense of understanding. And even these words don't quite do justice to what I am feeling within. I suppose because the words are twice removed...the true sense first removed into thoughts and then once again as expressed in words. Anyway, I wanted to share a recent experience of mine.
The other day I had an incident with another driver on the road. Not an accident, just an incident. It's not really about the details of what happened because it's not really about who was right or who was wrong. Besides, I can't figure out how to tell the details without coming from a place of feeling like I was completely right! The form, or the physical reality of what occurred is certainly not as important as the content of what I learned in this interaction with another being. I will admit I got a little lost in the ego at the beginning, especially right around the time the other driver slammed on his horn and started pointing at me and shouting something while I flipped him off and mouthed some expletives of my own. And then I woke up. I slowed down, allowing that driver to get far ahead of me. In that moment of waking up to what was really going on, I realized I had a choice. ACIM explains this as the choice to choose the ego or the holy spirit as my teacher.
Now, you'd think my decision to back off is the choice I'm talking about. In some ways it is, but the real choice came afterwards. The real choice for me was between judging myself for having a moment of acting from an ego place or letting my grievance with myself go. I can definitely get caught in the trap of perfection with spiritual thinking and judging myself as less than when I feel like I'm not quite getting or doing it "right". I'm happy to say, in this instance, I chose the holy spirit as my teacher. This path is not about never acting from a place of ego or attempting to deny that I have an ego. It's really about being aware; being aware that I have a choice. Even if there are times when I do choose the ego, I am aware that there is a choice and when I'm ready I will choose again. But most importantly, I will not continue to hold that grievance by judging myself (or the other driver) because it is my grievances that hide the light of the world in me. At this point it doesn't matter who had the right or wrong way of driving, or if I was right or wrong in my response. What matters in this moment is my willingness to choose again...and again...and again...
