playing in the snow

We finally have snow!  This is what winter is suppose to look like.  Not enough yet for snowshoeing, but plenty for a winter hike through the woods.  Today I visited my pine tree forest.  It wasn't my initial plan, but I could hear them calling, inviting me to join them and I just couldn't resist.  My brother calls me a hippie, a friend of mine calls me a tree hugger...you can call me what you want, but there is something about those trees that makes me feel at home.  Like they are my family and it's where I belong.  I feel like they hear the feelings and thoughts of my heart and they speak to me.  Not in the outer spoken word that we humans have come to rely on so heavily, but in a deep inner way.

There is something amazing about connecting to a certain piece of the earth.  I don't feel this way everywhere.  I love being in the woods or out in nature anywhere, but there are certain spots that feel more sacred for me.  There are 3 spots here.  One of them is this pine tree forest.  It's actually my most favorite.  It's quite a hike to get there...into the woods, by a stream, over the bridge, through a marsh, up a hill, down a hill, around a corner and...oh my god it's amazing.  I can feel their excitement to see me, to experience my presence, as soon is I enter the woods.  When I come around that corner, it's like I hear their joyous singing, mixed with mine, in my heart.  Hundreds of those solid, slim trees rise from the ground, reaching up and up into the sky.  Today the ground is covered in snow, but most of the rest of the year it's a blanket of gold.  It's almost like they are rising to great me, standing tall to welcome me into their arms.

Snow glitters in the sun as it cascades from branches and swirls through the air.  There's an ecstasy of solitude, a certain quality peacefulness that only exists in the snowy woods.  I've known it since I was a child.  These are my woods.  This is my pine tree forest.  Not because I own it, but because I belong to it.  If you must know, yes, I hugged a couple trees.  I do every time I go.  It feels good.

Free of Circumstances

Occasionally I wake up in the morning with a thought in my head, almost like a message for me.  It floats in during that space between still being asleep and just waking up.  One morning it was "the smile I brought you yesterday, today I bring in great abundance."  That one was kind of fun.  I wrote it on my mirror so I would remember it.  More recently, I had one that was a real thinker.

"It is not that you must know yourself changed from the circumstances; it's that you must know yourself free of the circumstances."

This really got me to thinking.  I tend to value my most challenging and difficult experiences by acknowledging how I have learned from them, changed from them, grown into the person I am today from them.  They are always there, in the background of my life, defining who I am today.  I mean this in the most positive sense, not as a way to indulge in feeling victimized or as a way to justify blame.  I value looking back with a more spiritual perspective of understanding and being able to acknowledge that there's something bigger going on here.

Clearly, we learn from our experiences of the past.  Being in the present moment does not mean we forget all that's come before and continue to repeat patterns of behavior that do not serve us well.  There's no doubt that our experiences create and mold us.  The trials and tribulations, as well as the joys and accomplishments, have all played a role in me becoming the person I am today.  But  how long do I actively hold onto those past stories as a way to define myself?  I have my stories...the time this person did me wrong, but I learned from it;  the experience of dealing with someone's difficult behaviors, but it helped me transform as I incorporated it into my spiritual practice; how making difficult choices that honored myself helped to empower me and make me a stronger and more independent person.  I've told these stories again and again...and again.  Not because I consider myself a victim, but because I believe they bring insight into understanding the person I am today.  I certainly know myself as "changed from the circumstances".

It struck me the other day, however, that even holding onto those stories for what I consider to be a more spiritual or positive reason, is still holding onto the past.  How do I know myself "free of the circumstances"?  Yes, I've learned, grown, matured, transformed, evolved.  I honor myself for the personal and spiritual work I do in these moments to heal the broken places within myself.  But I'm not going to lose that learning or healing if I let the stories go.  I'm not going to become un-healed or un-transformed.

It's not necessary for me to hold a narration in my head of how I got here.  I just need to be here.  Right here.  Right now.  In this moment.  I am.  Free.

Poetry of Life

For a while I was in this phase of writing poetry.  It was a pretty intense phase, given I had never really written it before and then suddenly it seemed to be pouring out of me.  At times I didn't even feel like it was me.  Like somehow these words, this expression, was flowing into me and I was just the vessel through which it could be made manifest.  Some of it I look back on and read and honestly can't believe I actually wrote it.  But over the past year that river of poetry has slowly dried up.  Even when I try to write something, it just feels so contrived.  I had shared this with a friend not too long ago and he asked what had changed that had made me close myself off to receiving like I had in the past.

I definitely miss the feeling, the passion that would awaken me at night as the words started flowing in, not allowing me to sleep until I at least jotted some notes down on paper...constantly turning the light on, then off, then back on as more came to me.  Restless nights, yet so exciting.  I miss the feeling in my heart, the warmth that carried the expression down my arms and out my fingertips to the paper or keyboard.  I miss the thrill of finishing a piece, the sense of completion and the desire to read it over and over again because my own poetry was speaking to me on such a deep level.  I miss the feeling of vulnerability of reading it to another person, or sharing with the world on my blog, or with only myself because sometimes it's just way too personal. 

Have I closed myself off?  I really never felt like this was the case.  It simply felt like something had changed.  That I was meant to receive all I did during that time period (because honestly it helped me through an extremely challenging time in my life) and maybe now...well, now is just different.  Now I think poetry has evolved for me.  I sit outside on this fall day, caught up in experiencing the coolness of the air and the warmth of the sun on my skin; watching the journey of a single leaf, accentuated by clear blue sky, floating and spinning on it's way to the earth; sharing a moment with the dragonflies that land on my blanket, hopefully rescuing me from the mosquitoes; walking through crunchy leaves in my bare feet; laughing at the look on Gram's face as she exclaims that she almost stepped on a snake;  tasting the spreading ecstasy of the leaves as they're slowly lit by the climbing sun.  (I had to steal that last line from David Abram as he speaks of Van Gogh's paintings...it was just so incredibly sensuous!)

I am immersed in poetry.  I have been absorbed into nature's artistic expression.  Maybe poetry for me has evolved from a time to express it in words, to a time to experience it.  Each moment is a poem.  My life itself is my poetry and it speaks to me.  I still like to return to my written poetry, those poems like pictures capturing moments in my life.  But no longer is it a time for me to put poetic words to paper or screen, organized into rhymes or stanzas or flowing free, but to live the poetry that is always being received and held within my heart. 

Aunnie's Special Reiki Day (Part 2)

I recently taught Reiki 1 to my 7 year old nephew.  He was very excited about finally getting to have his special Reiki day with Aunnie (that's me! :)  I had taught my niece a couple years earlier (Part 1) and she had told him all about what to expect...hiking, lunch, coloring book...I'm not actually sure how much she remembers of the actual Reiki part, but that's okay.  These kids are awesome and I think I end up learning just as much when I'm with them!

As it was the day after Hurricane Irene, we hit a few road blocks to my initial plans.  The place I wanted to take him hiking at was closed, the restaurant I wanted to take him to lunch was closed.  This involved a lot of driving, through major traffic intersections with no lights working, to find other places.  But as my nephew pointed out, "we're going to make the most of today no matter what, right Aunnie?"  Yes, yes we are.  First stop, Joe's Rock in Wrentham for a little hike as we discussed energy.  We were greeted at first arrival by the cries of a red-tailed hawk.  This hawk, and about 4 others, seemed to follow us throughout our journey in the woods.  It was pretty amazing.  But even more amazing to him are the rocks.  Ever since I started taking him hiking, he has been a rock hound.  Usually my pockets are filled with the cool rocks he has discovered.  He is a child after my own heart!  We talked about looking for special rocks to use as part of his attunement and what it means to set an intention. 

Then to American Joe's for lunch.  I have this great little Reiki Kids coloring book and he was thrilled to work on it and talk about Reiki and Energy and Chakras as we waited for our meals.  When I asked him to draw a picture of how he could use Reiki, he drew a picture of himself giving Reiki to someone who was sick.  I think his favorite part was the energy ball I showed him how to make with his hands.  It was so awesome to see his eyes look at me in amazement as he exclaimed he could feel the energy between his hands..."it's like something is there, it's like my hands are growing!" 

Then we were off to my office so he could pick out a special crystal to be used as part of his Reiki attunement.  Neither my office, nor my home had electricity at the time.  I have a special Reiki Kids meditation CD, but I had explained to him we might not be able to do a meditation if there still was no electricity when we got home.  He then told me he was going to say a special Reiki prayer that the electricity would be on by the time we got to the house.  Holding his crystal in the back seat of my car, he very seriously said a prayer to himself.  And believe it or not, we walked in the front door and the lights were on!  It was a glorious moment! We finished the day with a Journey with the Dolphins guided meditation and then his attunement.

Truly, it was my special Reiki day and a day I know he'll always remember.  I'll repeat what I wrote after the day with my niece: So there's no point here, except to share this beautiful day. Oh, and maybe to share what I learned...the importance of honoring our children for the wisdom they possess and encouraging them to discover it for and within themselves. And the recognition that we have so much to learn from these kids...so much to learn from seeing the world through their eyes.

(For anyone interested in learning more about Reiki Kids: http://www.reikikids.ca/ )

An Experience of Perception

Magic, then, in its perhaps most primordial sense, is the experience of existing in a world made up of multiple intelligences, the intuition that every form one perceives--from the swallow swooping overhead to the fly on a blade of grass, and indeed the blade of grass itself--is an experiencing form, an entity with its own predilections and sensations, albeit sensations that are very different from our own. -David Abram, The Spell of the Sensuous


I am reading this book currently and I am spellbound by it.  It makes me think, makes me feel.  My brain is being stretched into new realms of thought.  It's opening me up to new ways of understanding and perceiving.  And sometimes it's simply putting to words what I've already been experiencing and feeling.  As I sat outside reading today, I started to think about perception.  I kind of touched on this in my blog post These Moments, written over a year ago.  Basically the idea that what I perceive only exists by the very act of me perceiving it.  The perceiver and the perceived cannot exist apart from each other.  Abram says it more eloquently, "...perception...is inherently participatory...always involving, at its most intimate level, the experience of active interplay...between the perceiving body and that which it perceives."   There is a dance going on here.  We are engaged by the things we are perceiving.  Those things, whether we term them as animate or inanimate, are actively engaging us in the act of perception.  For me, this gives dynamic life to everything!

So I sit here, on the swing in my front yard, perceiving or being engaged into the act of perception, by the tree in front of me, the squirrel cautiously observing me, the grass under my feet, the cool rain drops falling on my skin.  And I can't help but wonder...is the rain perceiving me?  I can more clearly see that the squirrel or the birds or the crickets and especially the mosquitoes (!!!) obviously perceive me.  My presence is engaging them into the act of perception, as they are engaging me.  But how about the other forms that make up the totality of nature? Nature is alive with perception.  If the tree can experience the gift of the sun or a thirst quenching rain, surely it experiences my body as I lean up against it.  If I can experience the shift in energy in the woods when the sun sets, then surely the woods experiences my energy, the energy I bring into that place with me.

My imagination begins to roam wild with the possibilities.  As I perceive the sensations of the earth as I walk with barefoot feet, is the earth perceiving my footsteps upon her?  As I perceive the rain falling on my skin, is the rain perceiving this warm body it lands upon?  As I perceive the ocean surrounding and engulfing me, does the ocean perceive this dense body floating through it?  As I perceive the air gently swirling across my skin and through my hair, does the air perceive this resistance to its flow, this object it must move around? Does any of this exist without me? Do I exist without it?  It's exciting to me and adds a whole new dimension to my time spent in nature.  As I hike through the woods, as I watch the honeybees, as I hang out in my yard, as I sit quietly in nature, I am the perceiver and the perceived.  In the moments I experience nature, nature is also experiencing me.  Maybe not in the same way I experience, but in its own unique way.  It surely is magical!

The Rhythm of Life

There's something that happens inside me when I hear the beat of a drum.  Any drum I suppose, but particularly hand drums.  I feel something being stirred deep within, like a remembering.  I feel that remembering slowly pulsing and vibrating from my heart center out into the rest of my body and I want to just close my eyes and be swept away with it.  This is why I love participating in drum circles.  I love being part of creating the rhythm as well as experiencing it.  I can sit there, allowing my hands to drum that simple basic beat, and let my awareness flow into the energy of the circle.  Everyone finds their unique style, their variation of the beat, their individuality, but we're all connected by that central pulse.

At the most recent drum circle I attended, I was one of four who played the large center drum for one of the sessions.  We were the keepers of the central pulse.  I had this image of being part of the earth's core.  We were the earth's center, her rhythm emanating from this drum, providing the foundation of the life-giving rhythm to all the other drummers in the circle.  These individual drummers weren't just people anymore.  The drumming of each person came to represent life on this earth...the rhythm of the trees, birds, insects, humans, flowers, rocks, fish, animals...the rhythm of each species that inhabits this earth.  Each has its own unique rhythm, and yet we are all connected by that central pulse.  We are separate and yet one.

The leader of the drum circle pointed out how drum solos can be a beautiful part of the circle.  One person rising above the rest, leaving the main rhythm to express their gift, their beauty, their uniqueness for a few moments and then returning to the natural beat.  There is magic in this ebb and flow, expressing and receiving. But he also pointed out how problems can arise when one person monopolizes the solo, playing on and on.  Being so focused on hearing his/her own expression and forgetting that they are only one piece of what creates the magic in the circle.  "It sounds great for the person playing the solo, not so great for the rest of the circle."

I thought about this today as I walked barefoot through the woods.  Maybe humanity has been playing it's solo too loudly and for too long.  We just keep going and going, forgetting that we are simply one species of life making its home here.  We are not the 'end all, be all'.  For our lives as humans, as the whole of humanity, we need to step back and listen.  We need to remember the sacred rhythm of the earth's pulse.  We need to pay attention to and receive the solos of all the other species of life here.  Just as nature's rhythm keeps the central beat for us, we also need to step back for a while and be the ones holding the central beat steady.  In this way, we uplift and support the rhythm for all other forms of life on this planet.  No one species is meant to drown out and deafen.  We are here to add our beat, as one small part, to the larger rhythm of life.  I think when we can truly find this balance, this remembering, we will see healing...healing for humanity and healing for our earth.

"...it's more important to pay attention to the spaces between the notes, because that's where the magic takes place." -Dave 'Drumhead' Curry


For more info on drumming, check out Dave's website Drums for One and All or find him on Facebook.

Pay Attention

Slowly, the air began to stir; the leaves began to swirl and blur.  Taking on a new dimension, they spelled two words: PAY ATTENTION! Pay attention, Celestine, said the voice of one unseen.  And Celestine saw a small door where none, he thought, had been before.

This is an excerpt from a book, The Song of Celestine, I used to read to my niece when she was younger.  It's a kids book written by James Redfield, the author of The Celestine Prophecy.  My niece loved it because of the beautiful pictures and the fact that I could replace her name (Alexa Jeanne) into the story and still have it rhyme.  "Pay attention" is one of my 3 rules for when I take the kids hiking.  The other two rules are no fighting and no whining...self explanatory.  It's been fun to watch them really grasp onto the idea of paying attention in nature; to witness the spark of their curiosity as they wonder what made that hole in the ground, or discover a design of rocks someone made just off the trail, or notice that the outcropping of rock over there looks like a dinosaur head (and can we go sit on it please!).

I have to remind myself to pay attention when I'm out in the woods too.  Sometimes my head becomes riddled with thoughts, daydreams and to do lists.  Pay attention said the voice of one unseen.  Those words bring me back to the reason I am out in the woods in the first place - to connect with nature, to ground and center myself. It's not just paying attention from a naturalist perspective of noticing and identifying birds, animals, trees and plants.  It's paying attention to the much subtler magic of nature and how I am a part of it all...the way the bare branches of the trees hit against each other as the wind blows through, as if they are clapping for me as I walk by; the bone aching chill of the ice cold water I dip my feet into; the sounds of the gurgling brook I am sitting next to as it flows effortlessly down the rocky hillside; the wind blowing my hair around...and somehow it all gets me to thinking about the implications simply paying attention can have in our relationships.

From family to friends to clients to strangers...how am I paying attention to the people in my life?   Not with a point to prove or an agenda to get across.  Not just hearing their words, but feeling what's behind the words.  Not just observing their outer actions, but sensing what may be going on inside.  Not just looking at the image they present, but into the 'beingness' of who they are.  How do I listen to more than what I can hear with my ears and observe more than what I can see with my eyes?  And then how do I respond to them from that place; a place that truly honors my connection to each and every soul?  And Celestine saw a small door where none, he thought, had been before.  It's amazing the doors we can open in our relating to each other when we are truly present with one another, when we are truly paying attention.

On Being a Reiki Master

The title Reiki Master has been one I've had an internal struggle with since I received my Reiki Master attunement in August of 2006.  I remember having a friend proof-read a resume I was updating and pointing out that I needed to change 'Reiki Practitioner' to 'Reiki Master'.  I hadn't missed this change, but had actually intentionally left my title as Reiki Practitioner because of my discomfort with the term Master.  I didn't (and still don't) feel like a master of anything!  I'm not sure that Reiki is something that can ever be mastered.  However, as it goes in the world of business, I do want to be able to let people know what I do in a clear way and titles make that easier.

About a year ago, I found a website that had a very different description of being a Reiki Master than what I'd been exposed to in the past.  For the life of me, I haven't been able to find that website again, but with that influence I've tried to encapsulate what it means to me.  Becoming a Reiki Master was not the end of a journey, not the final say in an accomplishment, not a completion of learning.  It was actually my induction into the beginning.  For me, it has become a way of life and something that I am conscious of every day and, with practice, every moment.  My initial Reiki journey began with the necessary foundation of understanding energy and the chakra system, and learning the Reiki hand positions and symbols.  My Reiki Master journey began with learning how to let all of that go.  Rather than attempting to master Reiki, my focus is on mastering myself, which is a life-long course!  I am actively working to heal the broken parts of me and to release the beliefs and behaviors that no longer serve me.  It is only through finding this whole and complete place within my Self, unencumbered by fears, negative thought patterns and judgments, that I can truly offer myself in being of assistance to another's growth and healing.

Our ego's get involved in a lot of our ways of thinking and behaving in this world.  I have resisted this title of Reiki Master because I was afraid it was my ego that wanted it.  And I do think there is danger in getting too attached to titles and things, to the point where we allow them to establish our identity and feel like we are nothing without them.  But I also think it's the ego that tries to diminish us and make us believe we should present a 'less than' version to the world of the magnificence of who we each are as individuals.  I love being able to see how far I've come on this journey, as well as experiencing the excitement and anticipation of all I have yet to learn.  I love giving Reiki treatments and assisting others as they heal themselves.  I love teaching Reiki to others and serving as a guidepost in their learning.  I love being a Reiki Master.  Not because it's a title I get to put on a business card, but because it is truly aligned with my path with heart.

Paying Myself First

"Pay yourself first."  I'm sure I've heard this from multiple sources over the years, but it was Robert Kiyosaki's explanation of the concept that really made it sink in.  This is as I remember it, so forgive me if it's not exact...he explained that it was important to pay yourself first because then you will do what you need to do to get the rest of your bills paid. It may mean finding other sources of income, a part-time second job, prioritizing your spending differently, etc.  Essentially because you have to...there are more negative consequences for not paying your bills than not paying yourself.  If you pay all your bills first and have nothing left to pay yourself, you just won't.  No one holds you accountable to yourself except yourself.  When I first started working at the wellness center I recently left, I took on a second job at a garden center to pay my bills while I worked to build my clientele.  Granted, I can't say I really put into practice the concept of paying myself first, but I completely understood the idea of doing what I needed to pay my bills.  My point, however, is not about finances.  It's about balance.

Over the past couple months I have been in the process of starting up my own business.  I had finally come to the point where my fear and resistance to going out on my own became something I was willing to face.  I love it.  It's been exciting and rewarding.  And of course I've had my days of feeling completely overwhelmed and stressed.   It has taken a lot of hard work and energy and I'm still getting used to the newness of it all.  There are many days where I feel like all I do is work all day;  between office work and actually seeing clients and then coming home to do more computer work, manage all the household responsibilities, and be the best caregiver I can be right now for my Gram (I thank God for a very supportive family!)  I can see how very easy it is to get so caught up in working, that I lose the balance in my life of keeping myself healthy physically, emotionally and spiritually.  One of my recent Toltec lessons was on 'making things non-negotiable'.  The practice is to choose four things to do every day that I feel will make a difference in my life and to make them non-negotiable.  I decided on (1) ACIM and Toltec lessons/readings, (2) meditation, (3) yoga, (4) the practice of a gazing technique I learned recently.  But seriously, how am I going to do these everyday with everything else I have going on and need to do?!

I need to pay myself first.  I'm the first one to tell people that we need to prioritize our own self-care if we want to be available for others.  In this case, paying myself first means prioritizing these four things in my daily life because I know they will help me maintain balance.  They will help me maintain a healthy flow within my life, rather than my overdrive, crash and burn pattern.  The thing is, the 'to do' list will always be there.  I cross one thing off and write in three more.  There will never come a point where everything in life will be done, finally leaving me time for myself.  It doesn't work that way.  So I will prioritize that time for myself now, each day, and know I'll be able to get done what I need to in the time that's left, even if it means finding new and creative ways to do that. In fact, I think I will find myself feeling more calm and having more energy and joie de vivre overall!  What are the things you do to bring balance into your life?  How do you pay yourself first?

In The Woods

"Nature is made to conspire with spirit to emancipate us." 

When I read this line in Ralph Waldo Emerson's book "Nature" earlier today, I couldn't help but smile with a deep sense of knowing.  I love Emerson.  He speaks so eloquently of our love of and connection to nature.  I feel like he speaks the words of my own heart.  I have considered the past couple years to be the journey of my emancipation…a journey of facing fears, becoming aware of unhealthy patterns in my life so I can make healthier choices, releasing self-judgment and self-imposed limitations, and dissolving what ACIM refers to as the blocks in my awareness to the experience of Love.  My time spent in nature has played an extraordinary role in assisting me on this healing journey.

In the woods, I feel a sense of innocence emerge.  In the woods, I experience the excitement of exploration and the awe of discovery.  In the woods, I am continually filled with curiosity and wonder.  In the woods, I dance to the song of the pine tree forest blanketed in the aromatic glow of fallen needles.  In the woods, I soar in harmony with the birds and frolic playfully with the squirrels.  In the woods, I flow gracefully through life like water over the rocks in a stream.  In the woods, I align with my own inner guidance, wisdom, understanding and peace.  In the woods, I find my grace. 

When I'm alone in the woods is actually when I feel the least alone.  For me, it's where duality comes together; where the physical and spiritual worlds find their harmony.  Where I can, in one moment as I look up to the trees towering above me and into the vast expanse of infinite sky, feel so insignificant.  And yet, in the next moment as I inhale the scent of pine needles and earth, feel the sun on my face and the gentle breeze in my hair, experience the grandeur of being a part of it all.  It is harmonic resonance...all matter vibrating at its own frequency, joining in a beautiful symphony.  It is as if I no longer exist as separate...like I can, all at once, be nothing and everything.  It is in this moment I am set free.

Confessions of a Scaredy-Cat Nature Girl: Part 2

It was much darker already when I went out to the tent the second night.  My fears were a little more heightened, I think because of how dark it was.  Even the dark seemed darker than the night before.  But this time I came prepared to sleep, with my pillow, extra blankets and warmer pj's since it was a little cool.  I laid there, looking at the sky, convincing myself that the noises in the woods were just birds, squirrels, chipmunks, etc.  I was just starting to drift off to the lullabies of the crickets when...

WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?!  A noise that did not fit into any category of nature in my mind ripped through the night.  I sat upright, ears straining to hear more.  Oh.  Gram was just closing the kitchen window.  As the rush of adrenaline finally started to subside, I once again began to drift off.  I could feel that pulse of energy right at the border of sleep, aware of the slow steadiness of my breathing.  Eventually I started to shift into the dream world.  And then I was jolted awake from my semi-sleep by the sound of an animal scurrying in the woods.  Damn.  Now I'm hungry, I can't relax, and I'm just not feeling this tonight.  So I head back in the house, grab a snack, read for a bit and go to sleep.

I am awoken to the sound of someone or something screaming outside.  What the hell?!  My cat, Lady Jane, is freaking out, her eyes bulging and her tail puffed.  My heart is racing.  And I hear it again, and again, and again...about a dozen times.  It finally began to register in my mind that I am hearing a fisher cat for the first time.  I know only because my parents have had them around their house and have described their sound to me.  All I could think in that moment was THANK GOD I am not in the tent right now!  But I can't help but wonder, dear fisher cat, what message do you bring?  Stealth, courage, observation, trusting my instincts...hmmm, so much to learn from the energy of the natural world.  Even so, I think I'll just stick to early evening meditations for a bit.  I'm all about facing my fears, reaching and expanding out of my comfort zone, but all in due time.  I will sleep out there at least one night before the summer is over! 

Confessions of a Scaredy-Cat Nature Girl: Part 1

I recently set up my tent in the backyard with the intention of being able to be outside in the evenings without getting eaten alive by mosquitoes.  Dusk is a favorite time of the day for me and I love the idea of using the tent to meditate, read, relax, or nap as the day's summer air gets a little cooler.  There's a shift in energy that seems to occur out in nature at that time of the day and I love being enmeshed in it and absorbed by it.  I'm even entertaining the idea of sleeping out there overnight, some night when I build up my courage, which I wasn't really aware needed building until recently.

I was in heaven that first evening.  The tent has that mesh screening on two whole sides and on the very top.  I laid there, under a velvet blanket of night blinking with stars, breathing the fresh air as it whispered through the tent and across my skin, lulled by the serenade of crickets and entertained by the luminous dance of the fireflies.  I felt so at peace that my body seemed to be disappearing into its connection to all that is.  If only it had stayed that way, but slowly I became aware of every little sound out there in the woods.  It's amazing, when you're alone outside, in the dark, how heightened your senses become and how every little sound seems closer, bigger and scarier than what reality would reveal it to be in the daylight.  My imagination can run wild!  And my fears of what could be out there seem to mirror my inner fears of facing the unknown as I move into a new chapter of my life.

Suddenly I hear something hit the side of the tent and I bolt upright, my heart racing.  I can feel my pupils pushing the boundaries of their ability to dilate to let in more light as I try to scan outside to see what the hell that was.  But I see nothing.  Must have been a twig falling from a tree...?  No, I can still hear it moving alongside the tent.  Visions of rabid animals and scary creatures form in my head.  Jeesh-maybe I've been reading too many supernatural creature books lately.  And then this creature lands on the mesh screen right in front of my face!  A frog.  Ha.  Well hello little froggie, I greet her, what message do you have for me this evening?  Frog is a totem of metamorphosis, a symbol of coming into ones' own creative power.  Frog brings the energy of cleansing and transformation.  This night she brought a smile to my face and her message to my heart.  I finally fell asleep for a bit, waking up just before midnight to finish the rest of the night in my own bed.  Tomorrow night, yes, tomorrow night I will sleep outside overnight so I can wake up to the beauty of dawn...

The Journey

I decided to make use of an unplanned day off last Friday to do some hiking on a gorgeous day.  I have a favorite spot, off the beaten trail, at one of the places I hike.  The energetic vibration of this area draws me to it and I go there when I need to find peace, when I need to feel connected to the earth and the sky, when I need to feel the energy of healing and rejuvenation.  So I set out this day with that spot as my destination.  I like to build the anticipation and excitement of getting there though...you know, the journey...so I had figured out the basic trails I planned to explore on my way there.

Along my hike, I came to an intersection of 4 trails.  I pulled out my map just to be sure of the direction I wanted to head in.  I looked at the map, looked at the trails, looked at my map to confirm...and somehow still managed to take the 'wrong' trail.  I knew as I was hiking it that it did not seem familiar to me, but I was sure I had gone the right way, so I kept on going.  And then it ended at an opening in the woods and I stood looking out on a huge open field, scattered with dandelions and surrounded by trees, with a large white rock in the center of it.  It was breathtaking.  So I stepped out into that field as if I were walking out onto the surface of the ocean and headed directly towards that rock.  I sat there looking out upon a sea of green while the wind soared through my sails and sent currents of rippling light in waves across the grass.  I felt the energy moving up into my body, filling me and surrounding me.  This was exactly where I was meant to be on this day.

I know it's a cliche..."life is a journey, not a destination"...but certainly there's some truth to that.  I have to start somewhere, with a trajectory in mind, but it's important to not get so caught up in the end result that I lose sight of what's taking place throughout the journey.  Sometimes life is more about what the pursuit of a goal leads me to along the way, than it is about the goal itself.  As I begin walking that path, I remain open to allowing life to transform my trajectory as I go.  Sometimes that path I'm walking changes because of my own choice, sometimes because of someone else's.  I may not end up where I had first planned...I never did make it to the spot I had initially started hiking towards...but I always end up exactly where I am supposed to be.

Is It True?: Experiences in A Course In Miracles

I can remember a few instances from my childhood where I'd approach my dad after school regarding an incident with a classmate, or even after an incident with my brother or sister, and complain to him that the person called me a bad name or said something bad about me or to me. Dad would look at me and say "Well is it true?" And I'd say "No!" And he would go on to ask why I cared so much about what someone said if it wasn't true. I think on some level I understood what he was saying, but I couldn't quite apply that piece of wisdom to my life. At the time, I felt completely justified in taking offense and wanted him to agree with me at how horrible this was.

This memory returned to me at a recent ACIM conference I attended. The speaker said something to the effect of "the best defense is not to attack someone else's position, but to protect the truth."  I don't need to attack things I don't like or that I disagree with.  In fact, when I do, I allow those things power over me.  By attacking what is false, I make it real in my mind.  But what does it mean, "to protect the truth"?  For me, I think it means to honor the truth of who I am in any situation as reflected simply in the way I live my life.  Love is all that is real.  The truth is that nothing can ever separate me from Source.  By extending love in all situations, by living from that place of truth within me as I respond to and take action in the world, I cannot help but protect the truth.  I don't need to prove the truth and the truth certainly does not need me to defend it.  The truth just is.  Thank God, because that takes a lot of pressure off of me!

Looking back, I think what my dad was tring to explain to me was that I know who I am and I just need to go about my life being who I am.  However others choose to perceive me and the choices I make for myself is up to them.  My choice is to perceive myself and others through the eyes of love and forgiveness.  My choice is to simply be me.  I may make mistakes, I may at times still choose the ego as my teacher, and it may take me a while to move beyond some grievances into the light of love and forgiveness, but I can honestly say that I am doing the best I can and that's all any of us can do.  Much love to all  : )

Road Rage: Experiences in A Course In Miracles

I've been studying A Course In Miracles with a little more depth recently. I'm listening to and reading one of my favorite teachers of the course and holding more awareness of the lessons in my daily life. This is my third year studying the course and I can feel myself opening up to a new level of awareness and sense of understanding. And even these words don't quite do justice to what I am feeling within. I suppose because the words are twice removed...the true sense first removed into thoughts and then once again as expressed in words. Anyway, I wanted to share a recent experience of mine.

The other day I had an incident with another driver on the road. Not an accident, just an incident. It's not really about the details of what happened because it's not really about who was right or who was wrong. Besides, I can't figure out how to tell the details without coming from a place of feeling like I was completely right! The form, or the physical reality of what occurred is certainly not as important as the content of what I learned in this interaction with another being. I will admit I got a little lost in the ego at the beginning, especially right around the time the other driver slammed on his horn and started pointing at me and shouting something while I flipped him off and mouthed some expletives of my own. And then I woke up. I slowed down, allowing that driver to get far ahead of me. In that moment of waking up to what was really going on, I realized I had a choice. ACIM explains this as the choice to choose the ego or the holy spirit as my teacher.

Now, you'd think my decision to back off is the choice I'm talking about. In some ways it is, but the real choice came afterwards. The real choice for me was between judging myself for having a moment of acting from an ego place or letting my grievance with myself go. I can definitely get caught in the trap of perfection with spiritual thinking and judging myself as less than when I feel like I'm not quite getting or doing it "right". I'm happy to say, in this instance, I chose the holy spirit as my teacher. This path is not about never acting from a place of ego or attempting to deny that I have an ego. It's really about being aware; being aware that I have a choice. Even if there are times when I do choose the ego, I am aware that there is a choice and when I'm ready I will choose again. But most importantly, I will not continue to hold that grievance by judging myself (or the other driver) because it is my grievances that hide the light of the world in me. At this point it doesn't matter who had the right or wrong way of driving, or if I was right or wrong in my response. What matters in this moment is my willingness to choose again...and again...and again...

Oatmeal

ugh. I do not like oatmeal. I know this about myself, but for some reason I keep trying to like it. And don't tell me I should try the steel-cut or whatever other types are out there that are "so different". Believe me, I've tried them all and it doesn't matter. I can't quite say why I don't like it. It's not completely repulsive or anything. I can eat it if I have to. It's not a texture thing; I've tried flavoring it, cooking it different ways. I just don't like oatmeal. Well, except for oatmeal cookies and apple crisp ;) Anyway...

I'm getting comfortable with accepting this in myself, or at least I think I am. I seem to go through phases. After I haven't had it in a while, I see it there in the cupboard and I think "hmm, oatmeal...maybe I should try that again." Because I'm supposed to like it, right? Oatmeal contains so many health benefits. Eating it was like number 1 on the list of things to do from the naturopath I started seeing a few years ago. And I consider myself a fairly health-conscious person. I should definitely like oatmeal. I become determined. I will make myself like oatmeal! Maybe if I put more milk in it and cook it less time so it's not mushy; maybe adding some of the honey from my parent's hives; maybe some fruit; maybe... I can't tell you how thrilled I was when I went gluten free, since oatmeal is on the questionable list. See, my body was trying to tell me something...that's why I didn't like oatmeal. So that was my out for a while. Of course, then I discovered there was gluten-free oatmeal. great. And yes, I tried it again and still didn't like it. For the love of god, why am i trying so hard to force myself to like something that I just don't like because I think I'm supposed to?

Quite an analogy for a few things in my life, this idea of forcing myself to like or do something because I think I'm supposed to. I think that if I can just think hard enough I can figure it out, I can make it work. There was this simple little exercise I did at a conference recently: Point to yourself - take your index finger and point to yourself. Where did you point? At your heart, right? Most people, when asked to point at themselves, point to their heart area, not their head. My thoughts, my brain, is not who I am. When I truly settle into my heart center, into my feelings, into listening to what my body is telling me, the path becomes quite clear. And ultimately I feel more at peace. It is taking a lot of practice to leave the thoughts of my brain and listen to the wisdom of my heart. I am learning to love myself enough to listen to that intuitive guidance. I am learning to love myself enough to make healthy choices that are right for me. I am learning to love myself enough to not eat oatmeal.

These Moments

"We have stopped for a moment to encounter each other; to meet, to love to share. This is a precious moment. It is a little parenthesis in eternity. If we share with caring, lightheartedness, and love we will create abundance and joy for each other. And then this moment will have been worthwhile." -Deepak Chopra

There are these moments I have when I'm hiking, and I suppose all of life is made up of moments, but my ability to experience them with profound presence and awareness is heightened when I'm in the woods. Maybe because I feel so at peace or because of nature's inspiration or because of the slowing of my mind's incessant chatter or just because. The moment of standing on a mound of rocks hearing the echo and gurgle of water flowing beneath me. The moment of sitting upon an earthen trail blanketed with orange-brown pine needles. The moment of resting on a huge boulder in the sun-shade, listening to the songbirds and the occasional acorn bomb.

This thought has occurred to me recently that each of these moments only exist because of me. Without me to be there and be a part of that moment, it would not have existed. Sure, the water would still be flowing, the birds still singing, acorns falling...but the moment itself exists because I am there to witness it, to experience, to be aware...and to create it. But these moments don't just exist because of my awareness. These moments are what they are, particular to my experience of them, because of my perception and interpretation. I suppose you could say, in this case, nature provided the means and I created the moment. For someone else, being in that same spot would be their moment, most likely quite different from mine.

What a wonderful gift to be a creator, to recognize that I am creating every moment. And if I create every moment with love, what precious moments they are. Even in the more difficult moments of saying no, setting a boundary, standing up for myself - I am still the creator of those moments, having the choice to create through fear and victimhood or through loving myself enough to take responsibility for my life in a healthy and constructive way. God is always providing me the means in life...the situations, the people, the circumstances, the challenges, the experiences...and I get to create the moments.

The Gift

Last month I had to make the difficult decision to have my cat, Maya, put to sleep. Deciding to end her life, end her pain and suffering, was one of the hardest decisions I’ve ever made in my life, even though I knew how right it was. We had done what we could through the summer to care for her and provide her with at least some quality of life, but the cancer had run its course. The day I finally made the decision, I had looked into her eyes and knew she was telling me it was time; she fought hard and long, I think for both our sakes, but she was tired and it was time for me to let her go. I was told that being a part of this process was a gift. As I dealt with the rawness of my emotions in making that decision, I really struggled with being able to see that. It wasn't until the moments just before and during her transition that I got it. The moment of Maya's death will always be one of the most sacred moments of my life and it's that sacredness I am feeling called to share because it's the sharing that continues my healing.

On her last day, we spent the entire afternoon outside, resting in the grass, listening to the birds sing and the crickets chirp, warmed by the sun, cooled by the breeze. It was a good day for her as far as the effects of her illness were concerned. She even had one last token squirrel chase :) My entire family came to say bye to her and my mom drove us to the vet. It was the first time ever that Maya did not cry during the car ride. Maybe she knew peace would soon be hers. At the vet's office, I knelt down at the examining table so I could be level with her face. I rubbed her head and under her chin as I looked into her eyes. Our eyes never once wavered from each other. That's when I felt The Gift. In that moment we became connected as one and encapsulated in a bubble of love as if nothing and no one else existed. All I could think was that together we were experiencing one of the most beautiful moments life has to offer. It truly was a gift to be so present with her as she made her transition. And she fell asleep and was gone. Although never, ever gone.

I know she is still here with me in spirit, as much as I miss the tangible comforts of her purring, the smell of her fur as I bury my face in it, the feel of it tickling my nose, the warmth of her resting against me. She was my constant companion through many major transitions in my life, through the height of my joys and the depths of my sorrows. I can see so clearly now how much she took care of me. In the days following her death, the depth of the love I felt for her was so intense; the emotions coming in waves, ebbing and flowing, building and crashing. At times I felt empty and then filled with so much love I knew my heart was expanding beyond any capacity known before. I am in love with those moments and with this moment…the joy of memories intermingled with heartache. It hurts so good. It’s something to feel, this life so real, that’s for sure.

“Ever has it been that love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation.” -Kahlil Gibran

Peace

Today I found myself at the Peace Abbey in Sherborn, MA. I say "found" because I was totally thinking the Peace Pagoda in my head. I thought it was closer than I had remembered! A lovely find all the same. I met Dot, the Program Coordinator, and asked her a couple questions about the place to clear up my confusion. Amazingly, she immediately directed me to the Native American meditation room in one of the buildings. How did she know? Of all the meditation rooms, how did she know to direct me to this one, the one that would resonate with me more than anything?

I climbed up the stairs, ignoring the sign marked private, unhooked the chain to pass through and "found" myself in an attic alcove with meditation chairs, Native American drums, statues, books, pillows, and other relics and artifacts. Feeling a little overwhelmed with emotion, I sat down and allowed my heart to open up and a flood of tears to escape. This was exactly the place I needed to be. This has been a challenging summer for me not only as I experience my own personal trials, but also as I witness and support family and friends through theirs. I was listening recently to Adyashanti talk about the peace beyond understanding. "If you're only at peace when you're in peace you have a very flimsy peace on your hands. When you're in peace even when you're not at peace...now that is the peace that surpasses all understanding."

I'm recognizing that to be in peace, to know that deep sense of peace that flows like an underlying current within my soul connecting me to the oneness of life, does not mean I don't encounter sadness or heartache or all that exists in the range of human emotions. It means I can see through it, I can accept the "isness" of the situation, while still allowing myself the feelings that surround it. When I stop repressing those feelings, stop trying to hide from them, and just allow myself to feel them, they slowly begin to dissolve. And their dissolution allows for a warmth to enter and tranform that space in my heart. This is what happened today in that attic alcove. I'm not saying that happiness was necessarily the result, but maybe an "okay-ness". The outer circumstances haven't changed, but there's a peacefulness, an acceptance with what is...a peace beyond understanding. Seriously, how did she know I needed to be here?

Suddenly

I have a friend who lovingly jokes with me about my 'sudden' flashes of insight and self-awareness. We'll laugh as I share whatever realization came my way most recently and she asks "did you realize it 'suddenly'?" What I really love is that all this time she's been listening so well to what I had to say that she noticed my suddenly's! And yes, most of these ideas of mine do happen suddenly...it's as if a portal opens up in my consciousness, allowing for a shift in my awareness that floods my being. The suddenness of it all gets my heart racing and my brain fired up, wanting to share it with someone. And when I feel called to write about it, it's because all that energy begins traveling to my hands, causing them to pulse with the desire to give life to those thoughts. My 'suddenly' is another's 'ah-ha' moment; like a light just flicked on in my brain.

And when this happens, there is a moment where I feel suspended in space, where time does not exist and everything falls away. In that moment, my being is so completely consumed with this realization that I feel an expansion in my awareness; for a moment the world ends, even if ever so briefly. I treasure these moments, but I've learned I can't create them, only allow them to happen. It's almost as if I've escaped from the confines of this body to view myself, my life, from this other place...my higher self? outer space? Who knows...unfortunately words are very limited symbols that do not do the actual experience much justice.

What I really want to share is that last night I was gifted with one of these moments. After coming off days (or who am I kidding, a lifetime) of self-judgment, self-criticism, should have's (and not's), supposed to's (and not's), the portal opened up and peace washed over me as I suddenly realized I only have to be me. "You only have to be you, Chris. You don't have to be anyone else". Holy crap...what a novel idea. Suddenly the pressure is off, relief settles in and for a moment...well, I've already explained all that. It seems so obvious, yet so difficult for me to live it when I lean towards the tendency of trying to figure out how I think I should be to make everyone else happy so they'll like me. Ahhhhh, a sigh of relief, I only have to be me. And the cool thing is that three of my friends on facebook posted links this morning that were on this same wavelength. Gotta love those synchronicities! : ) And each time I share my suddenly's, I'm a little scared of what you'll think, but as Doreen Virtue suggests, I will rearrange the "c" in that word and make this moment sacred...because this is me.