Confessions of a Scaredy-Cat Nature Girl: Part 1

I recently set up my tent in the backyard with the intention of being able to be outside in the evenings without getting eaten alive by mosquitoes.  Dusk is a favorite time of the day for me and I love the idea of using the tent to meditate, read, relax, or nap as the day's summer air gets a little cooler.  There's a shift in energy that seems to occur out in nature at that time of the day and I love being enmeshed in it and absorbed by it.  I'm even entertaining the idea of sleeping out there overnight, some night when I build up my courage, which I wasn't really aware needed building until recently.

I was in heaven that first evening.  The tent has that mesh screening on two whole sides and on the very top.  I laid there, under a velvet blanket of night blinking with stars, breathing the fresh air as it whispered through the tent and across my skin, lulled by the serenade of crickets and entertained by the luminous dance of the fireflies.  I felt so at peace that my body seemed to be disappearing into its connection to all that is.  If only it had stayed that way, but slowly I became aware of every little sound out there in the woods.  It's amazing, when you're alone outside, in the dark, how heightened your senses become and how every little sound seems closer, bigger and scarier than what reality would reveal it to be in the daylight.  My imagination can run wild!  And my fears of what could be out there seem to mirror my inner fears of facing the unknown as I move into a new chapter of my life.

Suddenly I hear something hit the side of the tent and I bolt upright, my heart racing.  I can feel my pupils pushing the boundaries of their ability to dilate to let in more light as I try to scan outside to see what the hell that was.  But I see nothing.  Must have been a twig falling from a tree...?  No, I can still hear it moving alongside the tent.  Visions of rabid animals and scary creatures form in my head.  Jeesh-maybe I've been reading too many supernatural creature books lately.  And then this creature lands on the mesh screen right in front of my face!  A frog.  Ha.  Well hello little froggie, I greet her, what message do you have for me this evening?  Frog is a totem of metamorphosis, a symbol of coming into ones' own creative power.  Frog brings the energy of cleansing and transformation.  This night she brought a smile to my face and her message to my heart.  I finally fell asleep for a bit, waking up just before midnight to finish the rest of the night in my own bed.  Tomorrow night, yes, tomorrow night I will sleep outside overnight so I can wake up to the beauty of dawn...

The Journey

I decided to make use of an unplanned day off last Friday to do some hiking on a gorgeous day.  I have a favorite spot, off the beaten trail, at one of the places I hike.  The energetic vibration of this area draws me to it and I go there when I need to find peace, when I need to feel connected to the earth and the sky, when I need to feel the energy of healing and rejuvenation.  So I set out this day with that spot as my destination.  I like to build the anticipation and excitement of getting there though...you know, the journey...so I had figured out the basic trails I planned to explore on my way there.

Along my hike, I came to an intersection of 4 trails.  I pulled out my map just to be sure of the direction I wanted to head in.  I looked at the map, looked at the trails, looked at my map to confirm...and somehow still managed to take the 'wrong' trail.  I knew as I was hiking it that it did not seem familiar to me, but I was sure I had gone the right way, so I kept on going.  And then it ended at an opening in the woods and I stood looking out on a huge open field, scattered with dandelions and surrounded by trees, with a large white rock in the center of it.  It was breathtaking.  So I stepped out into that field as if I were walking out onto the surface of the ocean and headed directly towards that rock.  I sat there looking out upon a sea of green while the wind soared through my sails and sent currents of rippling light in waves across the grass.  I felt the energy moving up into my body, filling me and surrounding me.  This was exactly where I was meant to be on this day.

I know it's a cliche..."life is a journey, not a destination"...but certainly there's some truth to that.  I have to start somewhere, with a trajectory in mind, but it's important to not get so caught up in the end result that I lose sight of what's taking place throughout the journey.  Sometimes life is more about what the pursuit of a goal leads me to along the way, than it is about the goal itself.  As I begin walking that path, I remain open to allowing life to transform my trajectory as I go.  Sometimes that path I'm walking changes because of my own choice, sometimes because of someone else's.  I may not end up where I had first planned...I never did make it to the spot I had initially started hiking towards...but I always end up exactly where I am supposed to be.

Is It True?: Experiences in A Course In Miracles

I can remember a few instances from my childhood where I'd approach my dad after school regarding an incident with a classmate, or even after an incident with my brother or sister, and complain to him that the person called me a bad name or said something bad about me or to me. Dad would look at me and say "Well is it true?" And I'd say "No!" And he would go on to ask why I cared so much about what someone said if it wasn't true. I think on some level I understood what he was saying, but I couldn't quite apply that piece of wisdom to my life. At the time, I felt completely justified in taking offense and wanted him to agree with me at how horrible this was.

This memory returned to me at a recent ACIM conference I attended. The speaker said something to the effect of "the best defense is not to attack someone else's position, but to protect the truth."  I don't need to attack things I don't like or that I disagree with.  In fact, when I do, I allow those things power over me.  By attacking what is false, I make it real in my mind.  But what does it mean, "to protect the truth"?  For me, I think it means to honor the truth of who I am in any situation as reflected simply in the way I live my life.  Love is all that is real.  The truth is that nothing can ever separate me from Source.  By extending love in all situations, by living from that place of truth within me as I respond to and take action in the world, I cannot help but protect the truth.  I don't need to prove the truth and the truth certainly does not need me to defend it.  The truth just is.  Thank God, because that takes a lot of pressure off of me!

Looking back, I think what my dad was tring to explain to me was that I know who I am and I just need to go about my life being who I am.  However others choose to perceive me and the choices I make for myself is up to them.  My choice is to perceive myself and others through the eyes of love and forgiveness.  My choice is to simply be me.  I may make mistakes, I may at times still choose the ego as my teacher, and it may take me a while to move beyond some grievances into the light of love and forgiveness, but I can honestly say that I am doing the best I can and that's all any of us can do.  Much love to all  : )

Road Rage: Experiences in A Course In Miracles

I've been studying A Course In Miracles with a little more depth recently. I'm listening to and reading one of my favorite teachers of the course and holding more awareness of the lessons in my daily life. This is my third year studying the course and I can feel myself opening up to a new level of awareness and sense of understanding. And even these words don't quite do justice to what I am feeling within. I suppose because the words are twice removed...the true sense first removed into thoughts and then once again as expressed in words. Anyway, I wanted to share a recent experience of mine.

The other day I had an incident with another driver on the road. Not an accident, just an incident. It's not really about the details of what happened because it's not really about who was right or who was wrong. Besides, I can't figure out how to tell the details without coming from a place of feeling like I was completely right! The form, or the physical reality of what occurred is certainly not as important as the content of what I learned in this interaction with another being. I will admit I got a little lost in the ego at the beginning, especially right around the time the other driver slammed on his horn and started pointing at me and shouting something while I flipped him off and mouthed some expletives of my own. And then I woke up. I slowed down, allowing that driver to get far ahead of me. In that moment of waking up to what was really going on, I realized I had a choice. ACIM explains this as the choice to choose the ego or the holy spirit as my teacher.

Now, you'd think my decision to back off is the choice I'm talking about. In some ways it is, but the real choice came afterwards. The real choice for me was between judging myself for having a moment of acting from an ego place or letting my grievance with myself go. I can definitely get caught in the trap of perfection with spiritual thinking and judging myself as less than when I feel like I'm not quite getting or doing it "right". I'm happy to say, in this instance, I chose the holy spirit as my teacher. This path is not about never acting from a place of ego or attempting to deny that I have an ego. It's really about being aware; being aware that I have a choice. Even if there are times when I do choose the ego, I am aware that there is a choice and when I'm ready I will choose again. But most importantly, I will not continue to hold that grievance by judging myself (or the other driver) because it is my grievances that hide the light of the world in me. At this point it doesn't matter who had the right or wrong way of driving, or if I was right or wrong in my response. What matters in this moment is my willingness to choose again...and again...and again...

Oatmeal

ugh. I do not like oatmeal. I know this about myself, but for some reason I keep trying to like it. And don't tell me I should try the steel-cut or whatever other types are out there that are "so different". Believe me, I've tried them all and it doesn't matter. I can't quite say why I don't like it. It's not completely repulsive or anything. I can eat it if I have to. It's not a texture thing; I've tried flavoring it, cooking it different ways. I just don't like oatmeal. Well, except for oatmeal cookies and apple crisp ;) Anyway...

I'm getting comfortable with accepting this in myself, or at least I think I am. I seem to go through phases. After I haven't had it in a while, I see it there in the cupboard and I think "hmm, oatmeal...maybe I should try that again." Because I'm supposed to like it, right? Oatmeal contains so many health benefits. Eating it was like number 1 on the list of things to do from the naturopath I started seeing a few years ago. And I consider myself a fairly health-conscious person. I should definitely like oatmeal. I become determined. I will make myself like oatmeal! Maybe if I put more milk in it and cook it less time so it's not mushy; maybe adding some of the honey from my parent's hives; maybe some fruit; maybe... I can't tell you how thrilled I was when I went gluten free, since oatmeal is on the questionable list. See, my body was trying to tell me something...that's why I didn't like oatmeal. So that was my out for a while. Of course, then I discovered there was gluten-free oatmeal. great. And yes, I tried it again and still didn't like it. For the love of god, why am i trying so hard to force myself to like something that I just don't like because I think I'm supposed to?

Quite an analogy for a few things in my life, this idea of forcing myself to like or do something because I think I'm supposed to. I think that if I can just think hard enough I can figure it out, I can make it work. There was this simple little exercise I did at a conference recently: Point to yourself - take your index finger and point to yourself. Where did you point? At your heart, right? Most people, when asked to point at themselves, point to their heart area, not their head. My thoughts, my brain, is not who I am. When I truly settle into my heart center, into my feelings, into listening to what my body is telling me, the path becomes quite clear. And ultimately I feel more at peace. It is taking a lot of practice to leave the thoughts of my brain and listen to the wisdom of my heart. I am learning to love myself enough to listen to that intuitive guidance. I am learning to love myself enough to make healthy choices that are right for me. I am learning to love myself enough to not eat oatmeal.

These Moments

"We have stopped for a moment to encounter each other; to meet, to love to share. This is a precious moment. It is a little parenthesis in eternity. If we share with caring, lightheartedness, and love we will create abundance and joy for each other. And then this moment will have been worthwhile." -Deepak Chopra

There are these moments I have when I'm hiking, and I suppose all of life is made up of moments, but my ability to experience them with profound presence and awareness is heightened when I'm in the woods. Maybe because I feel so at peace or because of nature's inspiration or because of the slowing of my mind's incessant chatter or just because. The moment of standing on a mound of rocks hearing the echo and gurgle of water flowing beneath me. The moment of sitting upon an earthen trail blanketed with orange-brown pine needles. The moment of resting on a huge boulder in the sun-shade, listening to the songbirds and the occasional acorn bomb.

This thought has occurred to me recently that each of these moments only exist because of me. Without me to be there and be a part of that moment, it would not have existed. Sure, the water would still be flowing, the birds still singing, acorns falling...but the moment itself exists because I am there to witness it, to experience, to be aware...and to create it. But these moments don't just exist because of my awareness. These moments are what they are, particular to my experience of them, because of my perception and interpretation. I suppose you could say, in this case, nature provided the means and I created the moment. For someone else, being in that same spot would be their moment, most likely quite different from mine.

What a wonderful gift to be a creator, to recognize that I am creating every moment. And if I create every moment with love, what precious moments they are. Even in the more difficult moments of saying no, setting a boundary, standing up for myself - I am still the creator of those moments, having the choice to create through fear and victimhood or through loving myself enough to take responsibility for my life in a healthy and constructive way. God is always providing me the means in life...the situations, the people, the circumstances, the challenges, the experiences...and I get to create the moments.

The Gift

Last month I had to make the difficult decision to have my cat, Maya, put to sleep. Deciding to end her life, end her pain and suffering, was one of the hardest decisions I’ve ever made in my life, even though I knew how right it was. We had done what we could through the summer to care for her and provide her with at least some quality of life, but the cancer had run its course. The day I finally made the decision, I had looked into her eyes and knew she was telling me it was time; she fought hard and long, I think for both our sakes, but she was tired and it was time for me to let her go. I was told that being a part of this process was a gift. As I dealt with the rawness of my emotions in making that decision, I really struggled with being able to see that. It wasn't until the moments just before and during her transition that I got it. The moment of Maya's death will always be one of the most sacred moments of my life and it's that sacredness I am feeling called to share because it's the sharing that continues my healing.

On her last day, we spent the entire afternoon outside, resting in the grass, listening to the birds sing and the crickets chirp, warmed by the sun, cooled by the breeze. It was a good day for her as far as the effects of her illness were concerned. She even had one last token squirrel chase :) My entire family came to say bye to her and my mom drove us to the vet. It was the first time ever that Maya did not cry during the car ride. Maybe she knew peace would soon be hers. At the vet's office, I knelt down at the examining table so I could be level with her face. I rubbed her head and under her chin as I looked into her eyes. Our eyes never once wavered from each other. That's when I felt The Gift. In that moment we became connected as one and encapsulated in a bubble of love as if nothing and no one else existed. All I could think was that together we were experiencing one of the most beautiful moments life has to offer. It truly was a gift to be so present with her as she made her transition. And she fell asleep and was gone. Although never, ever gone.

I know she is still here with me in spirit, as much as I miss the tangible comforts of her purring, the smell of her fur as I bury my face in it, the feel of it tickling my nose, the warmth of her resting against me. She was my constant companion through many major transitions in my life, through the height of my joys and the depths of my sorrows. I can see so clearly now how much she took care of me. In the days following her death, the depth of the love I felt for her was so intense; the emotions coming in waves, ebbing and flowing, building and crashing. At times I felt empty and then filled with so much love I knew my heart was expanding beyond any capacity known before. I am in love with those moments and with this moment…the joy of memories intermingled with heartache. It hurts so good. It’s something to feel, this life so real, that’s for sure.

“Ever has it been that love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation.” -Kahlil Gibran

Peace

Today I found myself at the Peace Abbey in Sherborn, MA. I say "found" because I was totally thinking the Peace Pagoda in my head. I thought it was closer than I had remembered! A lovely find all the same. I met Dot, the Program Coordinator, and asked her a couple questions about the place to clear up my confusion. Amazingly, she immediately directed me to the Native American meditation room in one of the buildings. How did she know? Of all the meditation rooms, how did she know to direct me to this one, the one that would resonate with me more than anything?

I climbed up the stairs, ignoring the sign marked private, unhooked the chain to pass through and "found" myself in an attic alcove with meditation chairs, Native American drums, statues, books, pillows, and other relics and artifacts. Feeling a little overwhelmed with emotion, I sat down and allowed my heart to open up and a flood of tears to escape. This was exactly the place I needed to be. This has been a challenging summer for me not only as I experience my own personal trials, but also as I witness and support family and friends through theirs. I was listening recently to Adyashanti talk about the peace beyond understanding. "If you're only at peace when you're in peace you have a very flimsy peace on your hands. When you're in peace even when you're not at peace...now that is the peace that surpasses all understanding."

I'm recognizing that to be in peace, to know that deep sense of peace that flows like an underlying current within my soul connecting me to the oneness of life, does not mean I don't encounter sadness or heartache or all that exists in the range of human emotions. It means I can see through it, I can accept the "isness" of the situation, while still allowing myself the feelings that surround it. When I stop repressing those feelings, stop trying to hide from them, and just allow myself to feel them, they slowly begin to dissolve. And their dissolution allows for a warmth to enter and tranform that space in my heart. This is what happened today in that attic alcove. I'm not saying that happiness was necessarily the result, but maybe an "okay-ness". The outer circumstances haven't changed, but there's a peacefulness, an acceptance with what is...a peace beyond understanding. Seriously, how did she know I needed to be here?

Suddenly

I have a friend who lovingly jokes with me about my 'sudden' flashes of insight and self-awareness. We'll laugh as I share whatever realization came my way most recently and she asks "did you realize it 'suddenly'?" What I really love is that all this time she's been listening so well to what I had to say that she noticed my suddenly's! And yes, most of these ideas of mine do happen suddenly...it's as if a portal opens up in my consciousness, allowing for a shift in my awareness that floods my being. The suddenness of it all gets my heart racing and my brain fired up, wanting to share it with someone. And when I feel called to write about it, it's because all that energy begins traveling to my hands, causing them to pulse with the desire to give life to those thoughts. My 'suddenly' is another's 'ah-ha' moment; like a light just flicked on in my brain.

And when this happens, there is a moment where I feel suspended in space, where time does not exist and everything falls away. In that moment, my being is so completely consumed with this realization that I feel an expansion in my awareness; for a moment the world ends, even if ever so briefly. I treasure these moments, but I've learned I can't create them, only allow them to happen. It's almost as if I've escaped from the confines of this body to view myself, my life, from this other place...my higher self? outer space? Who knows...unfortunately words are very limited symbols that do not do the actual experience much justice.

What I really want to share is that last night I was gifted with one of these moments. After coming off days (or who am I kidding, a lifetime) of self-judgment, self-criticism, should have's (and not's), supposed to's (and not's), the portal opened up and peace washed over me as I suddenly realized I only have to be me. "You only have to be you, Chris. You don't have to be anyone else". Holy crap...what a novel idea. Suddenly the pressure is off, relief settles in and for a moment...well, I've already explained all that. It seems so obvious, yet so difficult for me to live it when I lean towards the tendency of trying to figure out how I think I should be to make everyone else happy so they'll like me. Ahhhhh, a sigh of relief, I only have to be me. And the cool thing is that three of my friends on facebook posted links this morning that were on this same wavelength. Gotta love those synchronicities! : ) And each time I share my suddenly's, I'm a little scared of what you'll think, but as Doreen Virtue suggests, I will rearrange the "c" in that word and make this moment sacred...because this is me.

Aunnie's Special Reiki Day

My 8 year old niece and I have had a special Reiki day planned for a couple months now and finally had our day together this past Monday. I'm not sure who was looking forward to it more! It's so different to impart this learning to children and I had a feeling it would end up being me learning so much from her. We started our day with a walk at Stoneybrook...I was well aware that she already possessed within her everything I wanted to "teach" her so I simply asked a lot of questions and allowed her to discover within everything she understood about energy. She was so engaged and excited to talk about all of it!

At one point, we came across a small turtle wedged and suspended between a couple branches of a bush in the marshy area of the pond. Together we contemplated what we should do as we stared at it. Should we get a long stick to push it out from its entrapment? Was there enough solid ground that I could walk out there to help it? Then it slid down a bit and now was suspended straight up! There's always a part of me that doesn't like to interfere with nature and Lex, in all her wisdom kept saying "let's keep walking and see if it's still here when we come back." But we kept watching and it slid some more and now was laying on it's back. Again, we kept watching, until suddenly it managed to flip right side up! Yay! I thought of this being a good opportunity to talk about sending Reiki to people and situations...but decided to wait and not rush things. I'm so glad I did because a minute later Lex said to me in her excited sing-song voice "Hey! It's kind of like by looking at the turtle we sent it Reiki to help it!" And I looked at her in wonder and awe, my heart bursting with joy, and told her she was absolutely right.

We had lunch together at the restaurant of her choice while she read to me from her Reiki Kids manual, colored some of the pictures, and discussed more about Reiki and energy. She even drew her own picture of giving Reiki to her stuffed animal to sleep at night (yes, her new webkinz, Marshmallow spent the day with us too!) After lunch, we came home for her attunement. We did some energy exercises together and then she picked out some crystals and we created a medicine wheel around her chair. I asked her how she felt after her attunement..."wonderful! I felt the energy coming into me everywhere!" And the first person she wanted to practice on? Great-Grammie of course! Until Maya got jealous, meowing constantly until we gave her some Reiki too. We finished the day with a "Journey to Sacred Mountain" meditation.

So there's no point here, except to share this beautiful day. Oh, and maybe to share what I learned...the importance of honoring our children for the wisdom they possess and encouraging them to discover it for and within themselves. And the recognition that we have so much to learn from these kids...so much to learn from seeing the world through their eyes. : )

(For anyone interested in learning more about Reiki Kids: http://www.reikikids.ca/ )

The Earring: Another Lesson In Letting Go

Sometimes we come to a place where we recognize the need to let go of some stuff...like my recent blog about making room for the new. It's always a work in progress, but in choosing to release old thought patterns that no longer serve me, as well as the more tangible "junk" cluttering my life, I'm making room for new awareness to flow in and sometimes just simply creating some space. (I did finally clean out my closet by the way!) Spiritually or intellectually I can understand that "I have given everything I see all the meaning it has for me." And in so doing, I release my attachment to the "things" of this world. It's wonderful and so empowering when this is a choice, but sometimes the universe presents to me an opportunity to release by "forcing" me to become aware of how attached I am to some thing.

I have this pair of earrings I wear all the time because they pretty much match everything. I got them in Flagstaff, Arizona about 10 years ago and last year in Delaware I went to a place selling Native American jewelry and I found a necklace with the same design. I was thrilled! Last week I was getting into my car and as I pulled my bag off from across me the strap caught my left earring and pulled it out of my ear. As I attempted to stay calm searching for it, thoughts flashed through my mind-how bummed I would be if I lost it; I had just found that necklace to match so I CAN'T lose it; memories of my trip to AZ a decade ago; and finally, how appropriate a lesson it would be for me to lose it because suddenly I realized that maybe I had given those earrings a lot more meaning and significance than what some metal on a post actually deserves...but it doesn't end here!

I got back into my car and looked in the rearview mirror and there it was...the earring had popped up into my ear and was resting right there. HA!! You can't make this stuff up! And I was so relieved. However, becoming aware of a lesson to be learned isn't the same as truly facing the opportunity to learn it. I hadn't fooled the universe. I brought the earring inside when I got home and set it on the kitchen table because I needed to grab a new backing for it. Took care of some other stuff and went back for it, but to my dismay it was gone again. Very gone...flashlight searching, floor swiffering, table/chair moving, under fridge looking gone. And I am left letting go of more than I realized I had to let go of...