Paying Myself First

"Pay yourself first."  I'm sure I've heard this from multiple sources over the years, but it was Robert Kiyosaki's explanation of the concept that really made it sink in.  This is as I remember it, so forgive me if it's not exact...he explained that it was important to pay yourself first because then you will do what you need to do to get the rest of your bills paid. It may mean finding other sources of income, a part-time second job, prioritizing your spending differently, etc.  Essentially because you have to...there are more negative consequences for not paying your bills than not paying yourself.  If you pay all your bills first and have nothing left to pay yourself, you just won't.  No one holds you accountable to yourself except yourself.  When I first started working at the wellness center I recently left, I took on a second job at a garden center to pay my bills while I worked to build my clientele.  Granted, I can't say I really put into practice the concept of paying myself first, but I completely understood the idea of doing what I needed to pay my bills.  My point, however, is not about finances.  It's about balance.

Over the past couple months I have been in the process of starting up my own business.  I had finally come to the point where my fear and resistance to going out on my own became something I was willing to face.  I love it.  It's been exciting and rewarding.  And of course I've had my days of feeling completely overwhelmed and stressed.   It has taken a lot of hard work and energy and I'm still getting used to the newness of it all.  There are many days where I feel like all I do is work all day;  between office work and actually seeing clients and then coming home to do more computer work, manage all the household responsibilities, and be the best caregiver I can be right now for my Gram (I thank God for a very supportive family!)  I can see how very easy it is to get so caught up in working, that I lose the balance in my life of keeping myself healthy physically, emotionally and spiritually.  One of my recent Toltec lessons was on 'making things non-negotiable'.  The practice is to choose four things to do every day that I feel will make a difference in my life and to make them non-negotiable.  I decided on (1) ACIM and Toltec lessons/readings, (2) meditation, (3) yoga, (4) the practice of a gazing technique I learned recently.  But seriously, how am I going to do these everyday with everything else I have going on and need to do?!

I need to pay myself first.  I'm the first one to tell people that we need to prioritize our own self-care if we want to be available for others.  In this case, paying myself first means prioritizing these four things in my daily life because I know they will help me maintain balance.  They will help me maintain a healthy flow within my life, rather than my overdrive, crash and burn pattern.  The thing is, the 'to do' list will always be there.  I cross one thing off and write in three more.  There will never come a point where everything in life will be done, finally leaving me time for myself.  It doesn't work that way.  So I will prioritize that time for myself now, each day, and know I'll be able to get done what I need to in the time that's left, even if it means finding new and creative ways to do that. In fact, I think I will find myself feeling more calm and having more energy and joie de vivre overall!  What are the things you do to bring balance into your life?  How do you pay yourself first?

In The Woods

"Nature is made to conspire with spirit to emancipate us." 

When I read this line in Ralph Waldo Emerson's book "Nature" earlier today, I couldn't help but smile with a deep sense of knowing.  I love Emerson.  He speaks so eloquently of our love of and connection to nature.  I feel like he speaks the words of my own heart.  I have considered the past couple years to be the journey of my emancipation…a journey of facing fears, becoming aware of unhealthy patterns in my life so I can make healthier choices, releasing self-judgment and self-imposed limitations, and dissolving what ACIM refers to as the blocks in my awareness to the experience of Love.  My time spent in nature has played an extraordinary role in assisting me on this healing journey.

In the woods, I feel a sense of innocence emerge.  In the woods, I experience the excitement of exploration and the awe of discovery.  In the woods, I am continually filled with curiosity and wonder.  In the woods, I dance to the song of the pine tree forest blanketed in the aromatic glow of fallen needles.  In the woods, I soar in harmony with the birds and frolic playfully with the squirrels.  In the woods, I flow gracefully through life like water over the rocks in a stream.  In the woods, I align with my own inner guidance, wisdom, understanding and peace.  In the woods, I find my grace. 

When I'm alone in the woods is actually when I feel the least alone.  For me, it's where duality comes together; where the physical and spiritual worlds find their harmony.  Where I can, in one moment as I look up to the trees towering above me and into the vast expanse of infinite sky, feel so insignificant.  And yet, in the next moment as I inhale the scent of pine needles and earth, feel the sun on my face and the gentle breeze in my hair, experience the grandeur of being a part of it all.  It is harmonic resonance...all matter vibrating at its own frequency, joining in a beautiful symphony.  It is as if I no longer exist as separate...like I can, all at once, be nothing and everything.  It is in this moment I am set free.

Confessions of a Scaredy-Cat Nature Girl: Part 2

It was much darker already when I went out to the tent the second night.  My fears were a little more heightened, I think because of how dark it was.  Even the dark seemed darker than the night before.  But this time I came prepared to sleep, with my pillow, extra blankets and warmer pj's since it was a little cool.  I laid there, looking at the sky, convincing myself that the noises in the woods were just birds, squirrels, chipmunks, etc.  I was just starting to drift off to the lullabies of the crickets when...

WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?!  A noise that did not fit into any category of nature in my mind ripped through the night.  I sat upright, ears straining to hear more.  Oh.  Gram was just closing the kitchen window.  As the rush of adrenaline finally started to subside, I once again began to drift off.  I could feel that pulse of energy right at the border of sleep, aware of the slow steadiness of my breathing.  Eventually I started to shift into the dream world.  And then I was jolted awake from my semi-sleep by the sound of an animal scurrying in the woods.  Damn.  Now I'm hungry, I can't relax, and I'm just not feeling this tonight.  So I head back in the house, grab a snack, read for a bit and go to sleep.

I am awoken to the sound of someone or something screaming outside.  What the hell?!  My cat, Lady Jane, is freaking out, her eyes bulging and her tail puffed.  My heart is racing.  And I hear it again, and again, and again...about a dozen times.  It finally began to register in my mind that I am hearing a fisher cat for the first time.  I know only because my parents have had them around their house and have described their sound to me.  All I could think in that moment was THANK GOD I am not in the tent right now!  But I can't help but wonder, dear fisher cat, what message do you bring?  Stealth, courage, observation, trusting my instincts...hmmm, so much to learn from the energy of the natural world.  Even so, I think I'll just stick to early evening meditations for a bit.  I'm all about facing my fears, reaching and expanding out of my comfort zone, but all in due time.  I will sleep out there at least one night before the summer is over! 

Confessions of a Scaredy-Cat Nature Girl: Part 1

I recently set up my tent in the backyard with the intention of being able to be outside in the evenings without getting eaten alive by mosquitoes.  Dusk is a favorite time of the day for me and I love the idea of using the tent to meditate, read, relax, or nap as the day's summer air gets a little cooler.  There's a shift in energy that seems to occur out in nature at that time of the day and I love being enmeshed in it and absorbed by it.  I'm even entertaining the idea of sleeping out there overnight, some night when I build up my courage, which I wasn't really aware needed building until recently.

I was in heaven that first evening.  The tent has that mesh screening on two whole sides and on the very top.  I laid there, under a velvet blanket of night blinking with stars, breathing the fresh air as it whispered through the tent and across my skin, lulled by the serenade of crickets and entertained by the luminous dance of the fireflies.  I felt so at peace that my body seemed to be disappearing into its connection to all that is.  If only it had stayed that way, but slowly I became aware of every little sound out there in the woods.  It's amazing, when you're alone outside, in the dark, how heightened your senses become and how every little sound seems closer, bigger and scarier than what reality would reveal it to be in the daylight.  My imagination can run wild!  And my fears of what could be out there seem to mirror my inner fears of facing the unknown as I move into a new chapter of my life.

Suddenly I hear something hit the side of the tent and I bolt upright, my heart racing.  I can feel my pupils pushing the boundaries of their ability to dilate to let in more light as I try to scan outside to see what the hell that was.  But I see nothing.  Must have been a twig falling from a tree...?  No, I can still hear it moving alongside the tent.  Visions of rabid animals and scary creatures form in my head.  Jeesh-maybe I've been reading too many supernatural creature books lately.  And then this creature lands on the mesh screen right in front of my face!  A frog.  Ha.  Well hello little froggie, I greet her, what message do you have for me this evening?  Frog is a totem of metamorphosis, a symbol of coming into ones' own creative power.  Frog brings the energy of cleansing and transformation.  This night she brought a smile to my face and her message to my heart.  I finally fell asleep for a bit, waking up just before midnight to finish the rest of the night in my own bed.  Tomorrow night, yes, tomorrow night I will sleep outside overnight so I can wake up to the beauty of dawn...

The Journey

I decided to make use of an unplanned day off last Friday to do some hiking on a gorgeous day.  I have a favorite spot, off the beaten trail, at one of the places I hike.  The energetic vibration of this area draws me to it and I go there when I need to find peace, when I need to feel connected to the earth and the sky, when I need to feel the energy of healing and rejuvenation.  So I set out this day with that spot as my destination.  I like to build the anticipation and excitement of getting there though...you know, the journey...so I had figured out the basic trails I planned to explore on my way there.

Along my hike, I came to an intersection of 4 trails.  I pulled out my map just to be sure of the direction I wanted to head in.  I looked at the map, looked at the trails, looked at my map to confirm...and somehow still managed to take the 'wrong' trail.  I knew as I was hiking it that it did not seem familiar to me, but I was sure I had gone the right way, so I kept on going.  And then it ended at an opening in the woods and I stood looking out on a huge open field, scattered with dandelions and surrounded by trees, with a large white rock in the center of it.  It was breathtaking.  So I stepped out into that field as if I were walking out onto the surface of the ocean and headed directly towards that rock.  I sat there looking out upon a sea of green while the wind soared through my sails and sent currents of rippling light in waves across the grass.  I felt the energy moving up into my body, filling me and surrounding me.  This was exactly where I was meant to be on this day.

I know it's a cliche..."life is a journey, not a destination"...but certainly there's some truth to that.  I have to start somewhere, with a trajectory in mind, but it's important to not get so caught up in the end result that I lose sight of what's taking place throughout the journey.  Sometimes life is more about what the pursuit of a goal leads me to along the way, than it is about the goal itself.  As I begin walking that path, I remain open to allowing life to transform my trajectory as I go.  Sometimes that path I'm walking changes because of my own choice, sometimes because of someone else's.  I may not end up where I had first planned...I never did make it to the spot I had initially started hiking towards...but I always end up exactly where I am supposed to be.

Is It True?: Experiences in A Course In Miracles

I can remember a few instances from my childhood where I'd approach my dad after school regarding an incident with a classmate, or even after an incident with my brother or sister, and complain to him that the person called me a bad name or said something bad about me or to me. Dad would look at me and say "Well is it true?" And I'd say "No!" And he would go on to ask why I cared so much about what someone said if it wasn't true. I think on some level I understood what he was saying, but I couldn't quite apply that piece of wisdom to my life. At the time, I felt completely justified in taking offense and wanted him to agree with me at how horrible this was.

This memory returned to me at a recent ACIM conference I attended. The speaker said something to the effect of "the best defense is not to attack someone else's position, but to protect the truth."  I don't need to attack things I don't like or that I disagree with.  In fact, when I do, I allow those things power over me.  By attacking what is false, I make it real in my mind.  But what does it mean, "to protect the truth"?  For me, I think it means to honor the truth of who I am in any situation as reflected simply in the way I live my life.  Love is all that is real.  The truth is that nothing can ever separate me from Source.  By extending love in all situations, by living from that place of truth within me as I respond to and take action in the world, I cannot help but protect the truth.  I don't need to prove the truth and the truth certainly does not need me to defend it.  The truth just is.  Thank God, because that takes a lot of pressure off of me!

Looking back, I think what my dad was tring to explain to me was that I know who I am and I just need to go about my life being who I am.  However others choose to perceive me and the choices I make for myself is up to them.  My choice is to perceive myself and others through the eyes of love and forgiveness.  My choice is to simply be me.  I may make mistakes, I may at times still choose the ego as my teacher, and it may take me a while to move beyond some grievances into the light of love and forgiveness, but I can honestly say that I am doing the best I can and that's all any of us can do.  Much love to all  : )

Road Rage: Experiences in A Course In Miracles

I've been studying A Course In Miracles with a little more depth recently. I'm listening to and reading one of my favorite teachers of the course and holding more awareness of the lessons in my daily life. This is my third year studying the course and I can feel myself opening up to a new level of awareness and sense of understanding. And even these words don't quite do justice to what I am feeling within. I suppose because the words are twice removed...the true sense first removed into thoughts and then once again as expressed in words. Anyway, I wanted to share a recent experience of mine.

The other day I had an incident with another driver on the road. Not an accident, just an incident. It's not really about the details of what happened because it's not really about who was right or who was wrong. Besides, I can't figure out how to tell the details without coming from a place of feeling like I was completely right! The form, or the physical reality of what occurred is certainly not as important as the content of what I learned in this interaction with another being. I will admit I got a little lost in the ego at the beginning, especially right around the time the other driver slammed on his horn and started pointing at me and shouting something while I flipped him off and mouthed some expletives of my own. And then I woke up. I slowed down, allowing that driver to get far ahead of me. In that moment of waking up to what was really going on, I realized I had a choice. ACIM explains this as the choice to choose the ego or the holy spirit as my teacher.

Now, you'd think my decision to back off is the choice I'm talking about. In some ways it is, but the real choice came afterwards. The real choice for me was between judging myself for having a moment of acting from an ego place or letting my grievance with myself go. I can definitely get caught in the trap of perfection with spiritual thinking and judging myself as less than when I feel like I'm not quite getting or doing it "right". I'm happy to say, in this instance, I chose the holy spirit as my teacher. This path is not about never acting from a place of ego or attempting to deny that I have an ego. It's really about being aware; being aware that I have a choice. Even if there are times when I do choose the ego, I am aware that there is a choice and when I'm ready I will choose again. But most importantly, I will not continue to hold that grievance by judging myself (or the other driver) because it is my grievances that hide the light of the world in me. At this point it doesn't matter who had the right or wrong way of driving, or if I was right or wrong in my response. What matters in this moment is my willingness to choose again...and again...and again...

Oatmeal

ugh. I do not like oatmeal. I know this about myself, but for some reason I keep trying to like it. And don't tell me I should try the steel-cut or whatever other types are out there that are "so different". Believe me, I've tried them all and it doesn't matter. I can't quite say why I don't like it. It's not completely repulsive or anything. I can eat it if I have to. It's not a texture thing; I've tried flavoring it, cooking it different ways. I just don't like oatmeal. Well, except for oatmeal cookies and apple crisp ;) Anyway...

I'm getting comfortable with accepting this in myself, or at least I think I am. I seem to go through phases. After I haven't had it in a while, I see it there in the cupboard and I think "hmm, oatmeal...maybe I should try that again." Because I'm supposed to like it, right? Oatmeal contains so many health benefits. Eating it was like number 1 on the list of things to do from the naturopath I started seeing a few years ago. And I consider myself a fairly health-conscious person. I should definitely like oatmeal. I become determined. I will make myself like oatmeal! Maybe if I put more milk in it and cook it less time so it's not mushy; maybe adding some of the honey from my parent's hives; maybe some fruit; maybe... I can't tell you how thrilled I was when I went gluten free, since oatmeal is on the questionable list. See, my body was trying to tell me something...that's why I didn't like oatmeal. So that was my out for a while. Of course, then I discovered there was gluten-free oatmeal. great. And yes, I tried it again and still didn't like it. For the love of god, why am i trying so hard to force myself to like something that I just don't like because I think I'm supposed to?

Quite an analogy for a few things in my life, this idea of forcing myself to like or do something because I think I'm supposed to. I think that if I can just think hard enough I can figure it out, I can make it work. There was this simple little exercise I did at a conference recently: Point to yourself - take your index finger and point to yourself. Where did you point? At your heart, right? Most people, when asked to point at themselves, point to their heart area, not their head. My thoughts, my brain, is not who I am. When I truly settle into my heart center, into my feelings, into listening to what my body is telling me, the path becomes quite clear. And ultimately I feel more at peace. It is taking a lot of practice to leave the thoughts of my brain and listen to the wisdom of my heart. I am learning to love myself enough to listen to that intuitive guidance. I am learning to love myself enough to make healthy choices that are right for me. I am learning to love myself enough to not eat oatmeal.

These Moments

"We have stopped for a moment to encounter each other; to meet, to love to share. This is a precious moment. It is a little parenthesis in eternity. If we share with caring, lightheartedness, and love we will create abundance and joy for each other. And then this moment will have been worthwhile." -Deepak Chopra

There are these moments I have when I'm hiking, and I suppose all of life is made up of moments, but my ability to experience them with profound presence and awareness is heightened when I'm in the woods. Maybe because I feel so at peace or because of nature's inspiration or because of the slowing of my mind's incessant chatter or just because. The moment of standing on a mound of rocks hearing the echo and gurgle of water flowing beneath me. The moment of sitting upon an earthen trail blanketed with orange-brown pine needles. The moment of resting on a huge boulder in the sun-shade, listening to the songbirds and the occasional acorn bomb.

This thought has occurred to me recently that each of these moments only exist because of me. Without me to be there and be a part of that moment, it would not have existed. Sure, the water would still be flowing, the birds still singing, acorns falling...but the moment itself exists because I am there to witness it, to experience, to be aware...and to create it. But these moments don't just exist because of my awareness. These moments are what they are, particular to my experience of them, because of my perception and interpretation. I suppose you could say, in this case, nature provided the means and I created the moment. For someone else, being in that same spot would be their moment, most likely quite different from mine.

What a wonderful gift to be a creator, to recognize that I am creating every moment. And if I create every moment with love, what precious moments they are. Even in the more difficult moments of saying no, setting a boundary, standing up for myself - I am still the creator of those moments, having the choice to create through fear and victimhood or through loving myself enough to take responsibility for my life in a healthy and constructive way. God is always providing me the means in life...the situations, the people, the circumstances, the challenges, the experiences...and I get to create the moments.

The Gift

Last month I had to make the difficult decision to have my cat, Maya, put to sleep. Deciding to end her life, end her pain and suffering, was one of the hardest decisions I’ve ever made in my life, even though I knew how right it was. We had done what we could through the summer to care for her and provide her with at least some quality of life, but the cancer had run its course. The day I finally made the decision, I had looked into her eyes and knew she was telling me it was time; she fought hard and long, I think for both our sakes, but she was tired and it was time for me to let her go. I was told that being a part of this process was a gift. As I dealt with the rawness of my emotions in making that decision, I really struggled with being able to see that. It wasn't until the moments just before and during her transition that I got it. The moment of Maya's death will always be one of the most sacred moments of my life and it's that sacredness I am feeling called to share because it's the sharing that continues my healing.

On her last day, we spent the entire afternoon outside, resting in the grass, listening to the birds sing and the crickets chirp, warmed by the sun, cooled by the breeze. It was a good day for her as far as the effects of her illness were concerned. She even had one last token squirrel chase :) My entire family came to say bye to her and my mom drove us to the vet. It was the first time ever that Maya did not cry during the car ride. Maybe she knew peace would soon be hers. At the vet's office, I knelt down at the examining table so I could be level with her face. I rubbed her head and under her chin as I looked into her eyes. Our eyes never once wavered from each other. That's when I felt The Gift. In that moment we became connected as one and encapsulated in a bubble of love as if nothing and no one else existed. All I could think was that together we were experiencing one of the most beautiful moments life has to offer. It truly was a gift to be so present with her as she made her transition. And she fell asleep and was gone. Although never, ever gone.

I know she is still here with me in spirit, as much as I miss the tangible comforts of her purring, the smell of her fur as I bury my face in it, the feel of it tickling my nose, the warmth of her resting against me. She was my constant companion through many major transitions in my life, through the height of my joys and the depths of my sorrows. I can see so clearly now how much she took care of me. In the days following her death, the depth of the love I felt for her was so intense; the emotions coming in waves, ebbing and flowing, building and crashing. At times I felt empty and then filled with so much love I knew my heart was expanding beyond any capacity known before. I am in love with those moments and with this moment…the joy of memories intermingled with heartache. It hurts so good. It’s something to feel, this life so real, that’s for sure.

“Ever has it been that love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation.” -Kahlil Gibran

Peace

Today I found myself at the Peace Abbey in Sherborn, MA. I say "found" because I was totally thinking the Peace Pagoda in my head. I thought it was closer than I had remembered! A lovely find all the same. I met Dot, the Program Coordinator, and asked her a couple questions about the place to clear up my confusion. Amazingly, she immediately directed me to the Native American meditation room in one of the buildings. How did she know? Of all the meditation rooms, how did she know to direct me to this one, the one that would resonate with me more than anything?

I climbed up the stairs, ignoring the sign marked private, unhooked the chain to pass through and "found" myself in an attic alcove with meditation chairs, Native American drums, statues, books, pillows, and other relics and artifacts. Feeling a little overwhelmed with emotion, I sat down and allowed my heart to open up and a flood of tears to escape. This was exactly the place I needed to be. This has been a challenging summer for me not only as I experience my own personal trials, but also as I witness and support family and friends through theirs. I was listening recently to Adyashanti talk about the peace beyond understanding. "If you're only at peace when you're in peace you have a very flimsy peace on your hands. When you're in peace even when you're not at peace...now that is the peace that surpasses all understanding."

I'm recognizing that to be in peace, to know that deep sense of peace that flows like an underlying current within my soul connecting me to the oneness of life, does not mean I don't encounter sadness or heartache or all that exists in the range of human emotions. It means I can see through it, I can accept the "isness" of the situation, while still allowing myself the feelings that surround it. When I stop repressing those feelings, stop trying to hide from them, and just allow myself to feel them, they slowly begin to dissolve. And their dissolution allows for a warmth to enter and tranform that space in my heart. This is what happened today in that attic alcove. I'm not saying that happiness was necessarily the result, but maybe an "okay-ness". The outer circumstances haven't changed, but there's a peacefulness, an acceptance with what is...a peace beyond understanding. Seriously, how did she know I needed to be here?