These Moments

"We have stopped for a moment to encounter each other; to meet, to love to share. This is a precious moment. It is a little parenthesis in eternity. If we share with caring, lightheartedness, and love we will create abundance and joy for each other. And then this moment will have been worthwhile." -Deepak Chopra

There are these moments I have when I'm hiking, and I suppose all of life is made up of moments, but my ability to experience them with profound presence and awareness is heightened when I'm in the woods. Maybe because I feel so at peace or because of nature's inspiration or because of the slowing of my mind's incessant chatter or just because. The moment of standing on a mound of rocks hearing the echo and gurgle of water flowing beneath me. The moment of sitting upon an earthen trail blanketed with orange-brown pine needles. The moment of resting on a huge boulder in the sun-shade, listening to the songbirds and the occasional acorn bomb.

This thought has occurred to me recently that each of these moments only exist because of me. Without me to be there and be a part of that moment, it would not have existed. Sure, the water would still be flowing, the birds still singing, acorns falling...but the moment itself exists because I am there to witness it, to experience, to be aware...and to create it. But these moments don't just exist because of my awareness. These moments are what they are, particular to my experience of them, because of my perception and interpretation. I suppose you could say, in this case, nature provided the means and I created the moment. For someone else, being in that same spot would be their moment, most likely quite different from mine.

What a wonderful gift to be a creator, to recognize that I am creating every moment. And if I create every moment with love, what precious moments they are. Even in the more difficult moments of saying no, setting a boundary, standing up for myself - I am still the creator of those moments, having the choice to create through fear and victimhood or through loving myself enough to take responsibility for my life in a healthy and constructive way. God is always providing me the means in life...the situations, the people, the circumstances, the challenges, the experiences...and I get to create the moments.

The Gift

Last month I had to make the difficult decision to have my cat, Maya, put to sleep. Deciding to end her life, end her pain and suffering, was one of the hardest decisions I’ve ever made in my life, even though I knew how right it was. We had done what we could through the summer to care for her and provide her with at least some quality of life, but the cancer had run its course. The day I finally made the decision, I had looked into her eyes and knew she was telling me it was time; she fought hard and long, I think for both our sakes, but she was tired and it was time for me to let her go. I was told that being a part of this process was a gift. As I dealt with the rawness of my emotions in making that decision, I really struggled with being able to see that. It wasn't until the moments just before and during her transition that I got it. The moment of Maya's death will always be one of the most sacred moments of my life and it's that sacredness I am feeling called to share because it's the sharing that continues my healing.

On her last day, we spent the entire afternoon outside, resting in the grass, listening to the birds sing and the crickets chirp, warmed by the sun, cooled by the breeze. It was a good day for her as far as the effects of her illness were concerned. She even had one last token squirrel chase :) My entire family came to say bye to her and my mom drove us to the vet. It was the first time ever that Maya did not cry during the car ride. Maybe she knew peace would soon be hers. At the vet's office, I knelt down at the examining table so I could be level with her face. I rubbed her head and under her chin as I looked into her eyes. Our eyes never once wavered from each other. That's when I felt The Gift. In that moment we became connected as one and encapsulated in a bubble of love as if nothing and no one else existed. All I could think was that together we were experiencing one of the most beautiful moments life has to offer. It truly was a gift to be so present with her as she made her transition. And she fell asleep and was gone. Although never, ever gone.

I know she is still here with me in spirit, as much as I miss the tangible comforts of her purring, the smell of her fur as I bury my face in it, the feel of it tickling my nose, the warmth of her resting against me. She was my constant companion through many major transitions in my life, through the height of my joys and the depths of my sorrows. I can see so clearly now how much she took care of me. In the days following her death, the depth of the love I felt for her was so intense; the emotions coming in waves, ebbing and flowing, building and crashing. At times I felt empty and then filled with so much love I knew my heart was expanding beyond any capacity known before. I am in love with those moments and with this moment…the joy of memories intermingled with heartache. It hurts so good. It’s something to feel, this life so real, that’s for sure.

“Ever has it been that love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation.” -Kahlil Gibran

Peace

Today I found myself at the Peace Abbey in Sherborn, MA. I say "found" because I was totally thinking the Peace Pagoda in my head. I thought it was closer than I had remembered! A lovely find all the same. I met Dot, the Program Coordinator, and asked her a couple questions about the place to clear up my confusion. Amazingly, she immediately directed me to the Native American meditation room in one of the buildings. How did she know? Of all the meditation rooms, how did she know to direct me to this one, the one that would resonate with me more than anything?

I climbed up the stairs, ignoring the sign marked private, unhooked the chain to pass through and "found" myself in an attic alcove with meditation chairs, Native American drums, statues, books, pillows, and other relics and artifacts. Feeling a little overwhelmed with emotion, I sat down and allowed my heart to open up and a flood of tears to escape. This was exactly the place I needed to be. This has been a challenging summer for me not only as I experience my own personal trials, but also as I witness and support family and friends through theirs. I was listening recently to Adyashanti talk about the peace beyond understanding. "If you're only at peace when you're in peace you have a very flimsy peace on your hands. When you're in peace even when you're not at peace...now that is the peace that surpasses all understanding."

I'm recognizing that to be in peace, to know that deep sense of peace that flows like an underlying current within my soul connecting me to the oneness of life, does not mean I don't encounter sadness or heartache or all that exists in the range of human emotions. It means I can see through it, I can accept the "isness" of the situation, while still allowing myself the feelings that surround it. When I stop repressing those feelings, stop trying to hide from them, and just allow myself to feel them, they slowly begin to dissolve. And their dissolution allows for a warmth to enter and tranform that space in my heart. This is what happened today in that attic alcove. I'm not saying that happiness was necessarily the result, but maybe an "okay-ness". The outer circumstances haven't changed, but there's a peacefulness, an acceptance with what is...a peace beyond understanding. Seriously, how did she know I needed to be here?

Suddenly

I have a friend who lovingly jokes with me about my 'sudden' flashes of insight and self-awareness. We'll laugh as I share whatever realization came my way most recently and she asks "did you realize it 'suddenly'?" What I really love is that all this time she's been listening so well to what I had to say that she noticed my suddenly's! And yes, most of these ideas of mine do happen suddenly...it's as if a portal opens up in my consciousness, allowing for a shift in my awareness that floods my being. The suddenness of it all gets my heart racing and my brain fired up, wanting to share it with someone. And when I feel called to write about it, it's because all that energy begins traveling to my hands, causing them to pulse with the desire to give life to those thoughts. My 'suddenly' is another's 'ah-ha' moment; like a light just flicked on in my brain.

And when this happens, there is a moment where I feel suspended in space, where time does not exist and everything falls away. In that moment, my being is so completely consumed with this realization that I feel an expansion in my awareness; for a moment the world ends, even if ever so briefly. I treasure these moments, but I've learned I can't create them, only allow them to happen. It's almost as if I've escaped from the confines of this body to view myself, my life, from this other place...my higher self? outer space? Who knows...unfortunately words are very limited symbols that do not do the actual experience much justice.

What I really want to share is that last night I was gifted with one of these moments. After coming off days (or who am I kidding, a lifetime) of self-judgment, self-criticism, should have's (and not's), supposed to's (and not's), the portal opened up and peace washed over me as I suddenly realized I only have to be me. "You only have to be you, Chris. You don't have to be anyone else". Holy crap...what a novel idea. Suddenly the pressure is off, relief settles in and for a moment...well, I've already explained all that. It seems so obvious, yet so difficult for me to live it when I lean towards the tendency of trying to figure out how I think I should be to make everyone else happy so they'll like me. Ahhhhh, a sigh of relief, I only have to be me. And the cool thing is that three of my friends on facebook posted links this morning that were on this same wavelength. Gotta love those synchronicities! : ) And each time I share my suddenly's, I'm a little scared of what you'll think, but as Doreen Virtue suggests, I will rearrange the "c" in that word and make this moment sacred...because this is me.

Aunnie's Special Reiki Day

My 8 year old niece and I have had a special Reiki day planned for a couple months now and finally had our day together this past Monday. I'm not sure who was looking forward to it more! It's so different to impart this learning to children and I had a feeling it would end up being me learning so much from her. We started our day with a walk at Stoneybrook...I was well aware that she already possessed within her everything I wanted to "teach" her so I simply asked a lot of questions and allowed her to discover within everything she understood about energy. She was so engaged and excited to talk about all of it!

At one point, we came across a small turtle wedged and suspended between a couple branches of a bush in the marshy area of the pond. Together we contemplated what we should do as we stared at it. Should we get a long stick to push it out from its entrapment? Was there enough solid ground that I could walk out there to help it? Then it slid down a bit and now was suspended straight up! There's always a part of me that doesn't like to interfere with nature and Lex, in all her wisdom kept saying "let's keep walking and see if it's still here when we come back." But we kept watching and it slid some more and now was laying on it's back. Again, we kept watching, until suddenly it managed to flip right side up! Yay! I thought of this being a good opportunity to talk about sending Reiki to people and situations...but decided to wait and not rush things. I'm so glad I did because a minute later Lex said to me in her excited sing-song voice "Hey! It's kind of like by looking at the turtle we sent it Reiki to help it!" And I looked at her in wonder and awe, my heart bursting with joy, and told her she was absolutely right.

We had lunch together at the restaurant of her choice while she read to me from her Reiki Kids manual, colored some of the pictures, and discussed more about Reiki and energy. She even drew her own picture of giving Reiki to her stuffed animal to sleep at night (yes, her new webkinz, Marshmallow spent the day with us too!) After lunch, we came home for her attunement. We did some energy exercises together and then she picked out some crystals and we created a medicine wheel around her chair. I asked her how she felt after her attunement..."wonderful! I felt the energy coming into me everywhere!" And the first person she wanted to practice on? Great-Grammie of course! Until Maya got jealous, meowing constantly until we gave her some Reiki too. We finished the day with a "Journey to Sacred Mountain" meditation.

So there's no point here, except to share this beautiful day. Oh, and maybe to share what I learned...the importance of honoring our children for the wisdom they possess and encouraging them to discover it for and within themselves. And the recognition that we have so much to learn from these kids...so much to learn from seeing the world through their eyes. : )

(For anyone interested in learning more about Reiki Kids: http://www.reikikids.ca/ )

The Earring: Another Lesson In Letting Go

Sometimes we come to a place where we recognize the need to let go of some stuff...like my recent blog about making room for the new. It's always a work in progress, but in choosing to release old thought patterns that no longer serve me, as well as the more tangible "junk" cluttering my life, I'm making room for new awareness to flow in and sometimes just simply creating some space. (I did finally clean out my closet by the way!) Spiritually or intellectually I can understand that "I have given everything I see all the meaning it has for me." And in so doing, I release my attachment to the "things" of this world. It's wonderful and so empowering when this is a choice, but sometimes the universe presents to me an opportunity to release by "forcing" me to become aware of how attached I am to some thing.

I have this pair of earrings I wear all the time because they pretty much match everything. I got them in Flagstaff, Arizona about 10 years ago and last year in Delaware I went to a place selling Native American jewelry and I found a necklace with the same design. I was thrilled! Last week I was getting into my car and as I pulled my bag off from across me the strap caught my left earring and pulled it out of my ear. As I attempted to stay calm searching for it, thoughts flashed through my mind-how bummed I would be if I lost it; I had just found that necklace to match so I CAN'T lose it; memories of my trip to AZ a decade ago; and finally, how appropriate a lesson it would be for me to lose it because suddenly I realized that maybe I had given those earrings a lot more meaning and significance than what some metal on a post actually deserves...but it doesn't end here!

I got back into my car and looked in the rearview mirror and there it was...the earring had popped up into my ear and was resting right there. HA!! You can't make this stuff up! And I was so relieved. However, becoming aware of a lesson to be learned isn't the same as truly facing the opportunity to learn it. I hadn't fooled the universe. I brought the earring inside when I got home and set it on the kitchen table because I needed to grab a new backing for it. Took care of some other stuff and went back for it, but to my dismay it was gone again. Very gone...flashlight searching, floor swiffering, table/chair moving, under fridge looking gone. And I am left letting go of more than I realized I had to let go of...

Making Room for the New

Funny how life presents to me a message multiple times over just to make sure I get it...sometimes all within the same day! I guess this goes back to one of my former posts about how God speaks to us in so many different ways. My horoscope one day last week said "...make symbolic gestures, like cleaning out your closet, that signal to the universe that you're making room for the new." The Sacred Path card I pulled later that morning was the Give-Away Ceremony..."don't get stuck holding on to anything that no longer serves you. Associates, ideas, habits, and belongings may need to go at this time." Later that day, in conversation, a friend mentioned "you can't have it all...where would you put it?" And in one of the A Course in Miracles readings it spoke of releasing our limited thinking. I get it, I get it!!!

This idea of releasing in order to make room for the new is so powerful to me. Trees release their old leaves each fall to make room for the birth of new ones in the spring and snakes grow out of their old skin as they grow into the new. The natural world, of which we are a part, is a constant ebb and flow of change and stability, chaos and order. So I begin to feel...what do I need to release? Clean out? What am I holding on to that no longer serves me? How can I make room for the new?

I started a list of some of the things I want to release...thoughts like fear, worry, need for control, judgments, self-imposed limitations, etc; and things...clothing, books, "stuff". Sometimes the lists help me to make the intangible things, like thoughts and ideas, a little more tangible. Then I can take that piece of paper and, in my own little ritual, burn it in order to symbolically release all those ideas that no longer serve me. In this way I make room for more peace, clarity, vision, freedom, love, presence and awareness. As far as the "stuff"? Well, now it's time to get to that closet...blahhhh! :)

Thoughts From the Bowling Alley

I went bowling the other evening...real bowling, not Wii bowling and not 10-pin...Candlepin! Usually, the first string is just a warm up, but by the second string I'm prepared...I focus holding the bowling ball right, keeping my hand and wrist straight, lining my release up with those little arrows, centering...and I always seem to do worse! So I decide to just 'roll' with it because it's about having fun, right? As I look down the lane at the pins, I notice their reflective glow on the polished floor and decide to change tactics. I forget about all the other little details and just focus on those pins, my attention solely on the one I want to connect with. Magic! And I suddenly feel inspired...when I keep my sights on my desired goal, without getting hung up in trying to figure out all the little details, life seems to work a magic all it's own in getting me there.

A few years ago, when I was first starting out as a Massage Therapist and Reiki Practitioner, I sat down and wrote a list of all the things I wanted in a job. I didn't limit myself...what would I want if I could have everything I wanted? I included the physical/tangible aspects of the job and the spiritual and emotional components. I filled the paper and then put it away. The spa I began working in closed after only 7 months of being open. However, it was only through working there, the people I met and its closing, that I was led to working at The Reiki Room. A few months later I found that list again (about a year after I'd written it) and realized quite joyously that everything had come to fruition! I didn't force those details, I didn't negotiate for them. I let the universe know what I desired and left the details up to something greater.

There was a freeness to this experience for me. I don't have to control every aspect of my life. In fact, when I try to, I tend to lose sight of the magic and mystery of life. I envision my desired outcome and then allow the path to unfold before me. It doesn't happen immediately, and sometimes the route seems longer, but the patience is worth it!

An Eagle's View

I recently spent an evening in Boston on the 50th floor of the Prudential Center. What a breathtaking view! The city takes on a whole new appearance at night from this height. As Ron said, "Boston looks clean from up here." Removed from the hustle and bustle, from traffic jams and trash...we were looking down upon twinkling stars of streetlamps and headlights, the glow of lighted windows, rivers of highways, and the dark stillness of the Charles (while "love that dirty water" played appropriately in the background!)

And it got me to thinking about how important it is to occasionally rise above the daily grind of life. It can be so easy for me to get caught up in what I perceive as the problems that make life a little "dirty". From up here, all those things look so little...from up here, even the traffic jams look beautiful! This is the medicine of Eagle. Eagle is a "symbol of greater sight and perception." They feed themselves from the land, but still soar to great heights. Eagle teaches us to "broaden our sense of self beyond the horizon of what is presently visible." [Animal Speak by Ted Andrews; Medicine Cards by Jamie Sams & David Carson]

I certainly can't spend all my time up here. There is a wide spectrum of experiences to be had...all the things from life on this earth that feed me. But in the midst of some of the more frustrating ones, rising above for a bit helps me to gain a new perspective; to come to appreciate every experience for the beauty inherent in it, even if I can't always see it from close up. Even the view from the Prudential is just a small reminder of a much bigger picture!

Dare To Be Imperfect

Somewhere along the journey of my life I've picked up this idea that there is a "right" way to do everything. And in my mind, this right way seems to always elude me in the moment. So I am left consumed with the past...I should've said this or said it this way, or I should've done that or done it that way...the perfect way. It's like a game my mind plays with itself because no matter what I do, it always tells me there was a better, more perfect way to have done it. Yikes!

A friend of mine owns a store where she sells crystals and gemstones. It's my favorite place to go when I want to treat myself. What has fascinated me about her is that she loves the stones that have little "imperfections" in them...inclusions, discolorations, nicks and scratches. And I've started to see the beauty in this as well. How each little "imperfection" gives that stone its own personality and magic and in a sense, makes it perfect.

So I am daring to be imperfect. I am choosing to accept what I perceive as my imperfections, to live in the now, and to stop analyzing everything because it's quite exhausting! Maybe perfection only exists within embracing the imperfections in life...and I know there is a perfect way to end this blog, but it's eluding me right now! :)

Creative Possibilities

I couldn't sleep last night so I got up around midnight, pulled out my sketch book and opened my box of pastels. My favorite way to draw is to have no expectations of what I want the final piece to look like; maybe an inspiration, but no desired outcome, no particular image, no preconceived idea of how I think it should be in the end. I stare at the paper for a bit as I allow myself to fully feel the anticipation of creation, the excitement of all the possibilities that could exist upon that blank page. I am still for a moment, breathing and releasing thought from my mind until I am ready to reach for the first color.

This drawing for me is never so much about the end product as it is about the magnificence of being completely present in the moment. The vividness of bold colors, the scent of the chalk, the subtle vibration and sound of it gliding over the paper, that chalky feel on my fingertips, and the heightened awareness inherent in allowing the images to unfold as I draw. The best part is that it's not possible to make a mistake...I can create anything I want with this piece of paper and chalk! The only rule is to let my heart guide me; to feel the energy of creation extend from the center of my being, down my arms, to my hands, out through the chalk and onto the paper. From there, I create one step at a time. And even when the basic outlines and shapes are finished, the image will continue to change and shift as I start shading and blending the lines and colors.

And then I start to think...with so much possibility in this 9x12 piece of paper and 24 colors of chalk...imagine the creative possibilities that exist in my life!