Occasionally I wake up in the morning with a thought in my head, almost like a message for me. It floats in during that space between still being asleep and just waking up. One morning it was "the smile I brought you yesterday, today I bring in great abundance." That one was kind of fun. I wrote it on my mirror so I would remember it. More recently, I had one that was a real thinker.
"It is not that you must know yourself changed from the circumstances; it's that you must know yourself free of the circumstances."
This really got me to thinking. I tend to value my most challenging and difficult experiences by acknowledging how I have learned from them, changed from them, grown into the person I am today from them. They are always there, in the background of my life, defining who I am today. I mean this in the most positive sense, not as a way to indulge in feeling victimized or as a way to justify blame. I value looking back with a more spiritual perspective of understanding and being able to acknowledge that there's something bigger going on here.
Clearly, we learn from our experiences of the past. Being in the present moment does not mean we forget all that's come before and continue to repeat patterns of behavior that do not serve us well. There's no doubt that our experiences create and mold us. The trials and tribulations, as well as the joys and accomplishments, have all played a role in me becoming the person I am today. But how long do I actively hold onto those past stories as a way to define myself? I have my stories...the time this person did me wrong, but I learned from it; the experience of dealing with someone's difficult behaviors, but it helped me transform as I incorporated it into my spiritual practice; how making difficult choices that honored myself helped to empower me and make me a stronger and more independent person. I've told these stories again and again...and again. Not because I consider myself a victim, but because I believe they bring insight into understanding the person I am today. I certainly know myself as "changed from the circumstances".
It struck me the other day, however, that even holding onto those stories for what I consider to be a more spiritual or positive reason, is still holding onto the past. How do I know myself "free of the circumstances"? Yes, I've learned, grown, matured, transformed, evolved. I honor myself for the personal and spiritual work I do in these moments to heal the broken places within myself. But I'm not going to lose that learning or healing if I let the stories go. I'm not going to become un-healed or un-transformed.
It's not necessary for me to hold a narration in my head of how I got here. I just need to be here. Right here. Right now. In this moment. I am. Free.
